Some Common Grammar Gaffes, Part III – Lay vs. Lie; I vs. me

by Jodie Renner, editor & author 

Here are a few more examples of common confusions in English, and a few tricks to help you remember which is which.

Lay vs. lie:

This one stumps a lot of people, even a bestselling author I know, who has emailed me a few times for a reminder of when to use “lie” and when to use “lay.” It’s very common to mix up these two, especially with their weird past tenses, which just complicate the issue.

Basically, you lay something down, but you lie down. So “lay” takes an object – a thing after it that you’re putting down. Not counting ourselves, so a person just lies down. And even if it’s a thing, if it’s already there and nobody’s in the act of putting it there, it’s lying there, not laying there.

Correct usages:

Present tense:

Lie: I like to lie in the hammock. Mom often lies down for a nap in the afternoon. Ricky is lying down on the grass.

Lay: She lays the baby in the bassinette every night. She is laying the baby down right now.


So far so good. But here’s where it gets weird: The past tense of “lay” is “laid,” as in “I laid the book on the table.” But the past tense of “lie” is “lay” as “She lay down on the couch for a nap yesterday.” Huh?! Just another of the many ways that English is weird and often illogical.

So to reiterate:

Lay requires a direct object: You lay something down. 

Lie does not require a direct object: You lie down.

The verb tenses of lay: 

Present: lay, is laying.  Lay the report on my desk.

Past: laid, has laid, was laying.  She laid the ring on the table and walked out; she had laid it there before.

The verb tenses of lie: 

Present: lie, is lying: Why don’t you lie down for a while? The book is lying on the table.

Past: lay, has lain, was lying. The little boy lay in the shade, fast asleep. He has lain there many times, in fact yesterday he was lying in that exact spot.

So: He laid (past tense of lay) the wreath on the grave, where it lay (past tense of lie) for a month.

If you think you'll forget all this stuff, especially the past tenses, just copy and paste this somewhere to help you remember. That’s what I did before I finally got it into my head! 


I or me or what?

Is it “my brother and me” or “my brother and I”? That depends. 

Is it “Give the books to Jane and I,” or “Give the books to Jane and me.”?

Is it “Carol and me went with them,” or “Carol and I went with them.”?

Is it “She and Brad are coming, too,” or “Her and Brad are coming, too.”?

Here's a simple little trick to know whether to use “I” or “me”; “he” or“him”; “she” or “her” etc.:

Just take out the “and” and the other person’s name or pronoun. What are you left with? Does it make sense?

For example, which is it? “Him and his buddy are going fishing,” or “He and his buddy are going fishing.”

Take out “and his buddy.” Would you say “Him is going fishing” or “He is going fishing.”? 

Since you’d use “he” when it’s alone in the sentence, then you’d say, “He and his buddy are going fishing.”


Or is it “Leave your sister and I alone for a few minutes,” or “Leave your sister and me alone for a few minutes”?

To figure this out, take out "your sister and" and think of whether you’d say, “Leave I alone” or “Leave me alone.”

Since you’d say “Leave me alone,” then it has to be “Leave your sister and me alone.”

Apply this little trick to the first two examples above, and you’ll know it has to be “Give the books to Jane and me,” and “Carol and I went with them.”

And by the way, "between you and me" is correct.

I could get into a lengthy explanation about subject (nominative) pronouns and object (objective) pronouns, but if you just use that little gimmick, it works every time.

Do you have any other grammar points that you'd like explained? Or any great little tricks for
remembering them? Please share your thoughts in the comments below.

See also Some Common Grammar Gaffes, Part I (that vs. which, who vs that, caps) and Common Grammar Gaffes, Part II (past perfect, misplaced modifiers)

Jodie Renner is a freelance fiction editor and the award-winning author of three craft-of-writing guides in her series An Editor’s Guide to Writing Compelling Fiction: FIRE UP YOUR FICTION,  CAPTIVATE YOUR READERS, and WRITING A KILLER THRILLER, as well as two clickable time-saving e-resources, QUICK CLICKS: Spelling List and QUICK CLICKS: Word Usage. She has also organized two anthologies for charity: VOICES FROM THE VALLEYS – Stories and Poems about Life in BC’s Interior, and CHILDHOOD REGAINED – Stories of Hope for Asian Child Workers.  Website: www.JodieRenner.com; Facebook. Amazon Author Page.

Some Common Grammar Gaffes, Part II - Past Perfect & Misplaced Modifiers

by Jodie Renner, editor, author, speaker 

In Part I, I discussed the differences between that and who, and which and that, as well as some common capitalization quandaries, all per Chicago Manual of Style. Here are some more grammar tips, mostly pertaining to fiction writing.

PAST PERFECT TENSE:

Use past perfect tense for mentioning prior events and introducing flashbacks:

Most novels are written in the past tense:  They were, She said, he went, they walked, I talked, we saw, the dog ate, the kids ran, etc. She picked up the phone. He drove around the block, and so on. So if you’re suddenly referring to something that happened before what’s going on “now”, it’s best to use the past perfect or “past past” tense: she had said, he had gone (or he’d gone), they had walked, we had seen (or we’d seen), etc. This avoids confusion for the reader, who otherwise may wonder whether we’re still in the same time frame we were or we’ve jumped back in time to an earlier incident.

In these examples, we start in the normal past tense, then, to indicate events that either just occurred or are going back in time, we switch to the past perfect, using “had” or just “he’d” “she’d” plus the past participle of the verb: “By the time we arrived at the station, all the passengers had gotten off the train.”  “She remembered that day. She had just picked up the phone when the doorbell rang.” Or “That morning, he had driven around the block several times before finding a parking spot.” Or “He recalled the night they’d discovered the body.” Not using the past perfect to indicate a shift further into the past can cause confusion with the readers as to when something actually happened or whether it’s occurring right now.

Examples from novels:  “She was still wearing her party dress. It was wrinkled. He figured she’d slept in it. He wondered where.” (Smoke Screen by Sandra Brown)

"If I had known he was going to walk, I would have just put a bullet in him and been done with it." (Murder One, by Robert Dugoni)

But if you’re switching to a fairly lengthy flashback or other backstory, it flows better if you just mark the transition further into the past by using the past perfect (had or ’d plus verb) for the first sentence or two, then switch to normal past for the rest of the flashback, except for the last sentence or two, where you again use past perfect to signal to the reader that we were in a kind of “past past” and are now going back to the normal “real time” past. If the flashback is only a few sentences or a paragraph long, stay in the past perfect, or “past past” the whole time.”

“Her thoughts drifted back to the night that had changed her life forever. She’d just been drifting off to sleep that summer night when she heard a motorcycle approaching. It stopped outside her window and went silent….” [Several more sentences in normal past tense.] … [Then, coming back to the “present” we use a sentence or two of past perfect, then switch to normal past.]

“That had been one of the most terrifying nights of her life. Now she shook off the frightening memories and forced herself back to the present.” 

AVOID DANGLING PARTICIPLES and MISPLACED MODIFIERS:

Watch for those dangling participles:

Participles are verb forms that end in –ing or –ed, like “buzzing” or “roaring”, or “satisfied” or “soaked.” A participial phrase modifies a noun, like “Climbing the mountain, the hikers soon grew tired.” The phrase is talking about the activity of the person or thing closest to it, in this case, the hikers. Here’s an example of a dangling participle: “Climbing the mountain, the birds chirped merrily.” It’s not the birds that are climbing the mountain, so it needs to be changed to something like “Climbing the mountain, the hikers heard birds chirping around them.”

Here are some other examples:

“Gazing out the window, the willow tree swayed in the breeze.” This sentence implies it’s the willow tree that is gazing out the window. It would need to be changed to something like “Gazing out the window, she saw the willow tree swaying in the breeze.”

Or: “Slathered in chocolate icing and filled with cream, the customers bought boxes of the sweet, decadent donuts.”

It’s not the customers who are slathered in icing and filled with cream! This should be changed to something like, “The customers bought boxes of the sweet, decadent donuts slathered in chocolate icing and filled with cream.”

And misplaced modifiers are a mistake:

Watch where you put your descriptive phrases in sentences, as they modify the words closest to them. For example, “Tall and handsome, the teenage girl gazed at the basketball star in admiration.” As it is phrased here, the “tall and handsome” refers to the teenage girl, when it’s supposed to be describing the basketball star. It should be rephrased to something like “The teenage girl gazed at the tall, handsome basketball star in admiration.”

Similarly with: “Tired and dirty, the lady of the house watched the farm workers trudge past at the end of the long day.” As it’s written here, it’s the lady of the house who’s tired and dirty, not the farm workers. It could be rephrased to “The lady of the house watched the farm workers trudge past, tired and dirty, at the end of the long day." Similarly, you wouldn't want to write, “Exhausted from the grueling race, we cheered on the triathlon competitors as they jogged past.” (Unless watching them is exhausting for you!)

In Common Grammar Gaffes, Part III, I discuss lie vs. lay, and is it "and me" or "and I"?

See also my blog posts, “Style Blunders in Fiction” and “Hyphens, Dashes, Ellipses.”

Jodie Renner is a freelance fiction editor and the award-winning author of three craft-of-writing guides in her series An Editor’s Guide to Writing Compelling Fiction: FIRE UP YOUR FICTION,  CAPTIVATE YOUR READERS, and WRITING A KILLER THRILLER, as well as two clickable time-saving e-resources, QUICK CLICKS: Spelling List and QUICK CLICKS: Word Usage. She has also organized two anthologies for charity: VOICES FROM THE VALLEYS – Stories and Poems about Life in BC’s Interior, and CHILDHOOD REGAINED – Stories of Hope for Asian Child Workers. Website: www.JodieRenner.com; blog: http://jodierennerediting.blogspot.com/; Facebook. Amazon Author Page.

Some Common Grammar Gaffes, Part I - who, that, which, and caps

by Jodie Renner, editor and author   

I don’t want to come off as some kind of “grammar gestapo” here, as the English language is in a constant state of flux, and that’s a good thing. Our language is always evolving and changing along with technological changes, changes in attitude, the influence of other cultures, street language, slang expressions, etc. That means the English language is vibrant, not stagnant, just as is our society. Language needs to keep up with changes to facilitate communication.

But it’s probably a good thing to try to have some degree of consistency and standards, so we don’t all sink to the lowest common denominator of texting-style, “fast-food” language. Plus there are still lots of literate readers out there, so it’s best to err on the side of correct accepted language, to keep the respect of the readers.

So here are a few common grammar blunders I see in both my editing and general reading, and some areas where even good writers sometimes goof. (All rules are per Chicago Manual of Style.)

WHO, THAT, WHICH:

“that” for “who”
 –  “that” is for things; “who” is for people. I’m probably not the only one who winced a bit the first 100 times I heard Katy Perry’s great song, “The One That Got Away.” I even heard the radio announcer saying, “It should be ‘The One WHO Got Away,’ of course!”

Examples of correct usage:

The children who were playing ran in when it started to rain. The bikes and toys that were left outside got wet.

The boats that were in the harbor got tossed around in the storm.

The ladies who organized the church tea were surprised at the attendance.

“that” versus “which” 
(This one’s directed at North Americans, as Brits use “which” where we use “that,” so they have their own rules.)

A quick way to remember whether to use “which” or “that” is that “which” always follows a comma, while “that” almost never follows a comma.

Or think of it this way: If the sentence doesn’t need the clause/phrase that comes after the word to make sense, use “which.” If what comes after the word is essential to the sentence, use “that.” 

Here are a few examples to illustrate: 

The library, which is on Main Street, has about 30,000 books.

The library that is on Main Street has about 30,000 books.

In the first sentence, the one with “which,” we don’t need the extra information that it’s on Main Street for the sentence to make sense, as there’s only one library, and it’s on Main Street.

In the second sentence, we need the “that” part, as that tells us we’re talking about the library on Main Street, not some other library in town. So what follows “that” is essential to the sentence. 

Let’s look at another example:

The car, which was a Toyota, was badly crumpled in the accident.

The car that was a Toyota was badly crumpled in the accident. 

The first sentence implies that there was only one car in the accident, and by the way, it was a Toyota. That’s nonessential information, so it’s enclosed in commas and introduced by “which.”

The second sentence tells us there was more than one car involved in the accident, and that the Toyota, unlike the others, was badly crumpled. The “that” clause gives us essential information.

So another way to look at it is “which” introduces nonessential info, and “that” introduces essential info. 

CAPITALIZATION:

Use caps for proper nouns but not for generic nouns: 
the doctor, but Doctor Wilson; the president, but President Obama; the general, but General Eisenhower; the judge, but Judge Judy; the sergeant, but Sergeant Wilson; the prince, but Prince Charles; the police department, but the Chicago Police Department; the library, but New York Public Library, the hospital, but Toronto General Hospital.  

But when you’re addressing the president, it’s “Mr. President,” and when you’re addressing anyone else with a title, you still use the capital, even if you don’t use their name, as in “Yes, Sergeant, I’ll do that right away.” Also, “Yes, Your Majesty.” And “No, Your Honor.” 

But sir, ma’am, my lord, my lady, milady, etc. are not capitalized.  

-          Don’t capitalize terms of endearment or pet names, like dear, honey, sweetie, son, buddy, etc.: “Yes, dear.” 

-          Family names: Capitalize family names like father, mother, etc. only when using them as a name, as in “Dad, can I borrow the car keys?” or “Where’s Mom?” or “Thanks, Grandma,” but no caps when just referring to family members, as in “my dad” or “your mother,” or “his grandmother.”

See also, Some Common Grammar Gaffes, Part II and Part III.

See also my blog posts, “Style Blunders in Fiction” and “Hyphens, Dashes,Ellipses.”

Jodie Renner is a freelance fiction editor and the award-winning author of three craft-of-writing guides in her series An Editor’s Guide to Writing Compelling Fiction: FIRE UP YOUR FICTION,  CAPTIVATE YOUR READERS, and WRITING A KILLER THRILLER, as well as two clickable time-saving e-resources, QUICK CLICKS: Spelling List and QUICK CLICKS: Word Usage. She has also organized two anthologies for charity: VOICES FROM THE VALLEYS – Stories and Poems about Life in BC’s Interior, and CHILDHOOD REGAINED – Stories of Hope for Asian Child Workers. Website: www.JodieRenner.com; blog: http://jodierennerediting.blogspot.com/; Facebook. Amazon Author Page.

Tone and Mood – Choose Your Words Carefully

by Jodie Renner, freelance editor

To bring your characters and scenes to life in a way readers can relate to, it’s critical to choose just the right nuance of meaning to fit the character, action and situation. And for help in zeroing in on the very best word to convey the tone and mood you’re after, it’s a good idea to use both a thesaurus and a dictionary (either online or print).

Verbs are especially important, as there are so many variations in the way someone can move or speak or eat or whatever, depending on their personality, mood, age, gender, size, weight, background, health, fitness level, and of course the circumstances. So it’s worth the effort to find just the right verb that nails the action and makes sense in the context of the scene. A verb that doesn’t quite fit can be jarring and turn a reader off, whereas finding a stronger, more specific verb can really strengthen a scene and resonate with the reader.

For example, here are just some of the many synonyms for the verb “run”: amble, barrel, bolt, bustle, dart, dash, escape, flee, hasten, hotfoot, hurry, hustle, jog, light out, make a break, make off, make tracks, pace, race, rush, scamper, scoot, scramble, scurry, skedaddle, skip, speed, sprint, take flight, take off, tear, tear out, travel, trot.

Obviously, if you’ve got someone running for their life, you wouldn’t use such light-hearted synonyms as “scamper” or “scoot” or “skip” or “trot” or “amble” or “skedaddle.”

And it’s also important to consider the overall voice of the scene and the inner thoughts of the viewpoint character. Are they the kind of person who would use “skedaddle” or “hotfoot it” in their personal vocabulary?

Here are some examples from my fiction editing of verbs that didn’t quite fit the situation. I’ve changed the names and altered the circumstances to protect the confidentiality of my clients. The comments after each example are from my notes in the margin of the manuscript.

A high-ranking Nazi officer is about to invade the home of a wealthy Jewish family during the Second World War. The author wrote:

“He giggled inwardly, thinking about the chaos he was about to bring to the Jews who lived here.”

My comment to the writer was:  The verb “giggled” fits a couple of schoolgirls, not a nasty Nazi. I suggest “smirked” or “gloated.”

Or, from another novel I edited:

“Joe stood up, shocked and numb, after his boss delivered the tragic news about the death of his friend. He dreaded his visit to Paul’s widow. He sauntered back to his office, his mind spinning.” 

Jodie’s comment: “sauntered” is way too relaxed and casual a word for the situation. The guy’s just been told his friend is dead. Maybe just “walked” or “went” or “trudged” or “dragged his feet” or “found his way” or even “stumbled” back to his office.

And another novel I edited years ago had military personnel repeatedly “strutting” across the room, compound or base, when the author meant “striding,” as in “he strode across the barracks,” instead of, as he had it, “he strutted across the barracks.” According to Merriam Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, “strut” means “to walk with a pompous and affected air,” or “to parade or show off.”

Similarly, don’t have healthy, active people “shuffling,” even for measured or slow walking, as “he shuffled over to the table” implies the movement of an old, ill, drugged, or exhausted person. Merriam-Webster describes shuffle as “to move the feet by sliding along without lifting the feet” or “to perform with a dragging, sliding step.”

And don’t use casual, relaxed language in a stressful situation. Choose words that reflect the urgency, tension and conflict.

Before: “David’s cell phone rang. It was his wife Carole, who was three blocks away in her office, babbling hysterically. He yelled for his colleague Todd, grabbed his jacket and headed for the elevator. When they got to street level, David jogged towards Carole’s office building. Todd ran comfortably by his side. When they got there, he found the area crawling with police.”

Jodie’s comment: Best to not use words like “comfortably” at a time of stress. Choose words that fit the mood and tone of the moment better. Even “jogging” could be replaced with a word that indicates more urgency.

One possibility: “When they got to street level, David took off running towards Carole’s office building. Todd raced to catch up.”

Also, there are a lot of nuances for showing a character looking at someone or something. The verbs “glare,” “glance,” “scan,” “peer,” “study,” and “gaze” have quite different meanings, for example.

“Brock glared at the intruder with the gun, eyes wide with fear. He shifted his stare to Gord, mouthing, ‘Help’.”

Jodie’s comment: “glared” doesn’t go with “eyes wide with fear.” Glared is for anger. Maybe “stared” here? And “shifted his gaze”? Or maybe: “Brock’s eyes widened with fear at the intruder with the gun. He shifted his gaze to Gord, mouthing, ‘Help’.”

Similarly,

“At the funeral, the widow caught Peter’s glance and squinted her eyes in accusation. She no doubt held him responsible for her husband’s death.”

Jodie’s comment: “squinted” is like against the bright sun. I’d say “narrowed her eyes” or “glared at him.”

Also, for maximum power, in most cases it’s best to choose the active form of verbs, like “chased” rather than “was chasing.”

If you haven't already, it's a good idea to start a new Word file and call it “Thesaurus” or “Synonyms,” then make lists for the verbs you use most in your writing, like walk, move, look, run, eat, drink, etc. That way you can quickly find lots of variations and try them on for size. It's definitely worth the bit of extra effort to capture just the right word for the situation.

See also my companion article, “TheThesaurus is Your Friend – Really!” over at Crime Fiction Collective.

Copyright © Jodie Renner, August 2012

Jodie Renner, a freelance fiction editor specializing in thrillers and other fast-paced fiction, has published two books to date in her series, An Editor’s Guide to Writing Compelling Fiction: WRITING A KILLER THRILLER and STYLE THAT SIZZLES & PACING FOR POWER (Silver Medalist in the FAPA Book Awards, 2013). Both titles are available in e-book and paperback. For more info, please visit Jodie’s author website or editor website, or find her on Facebook or Twitter.

 
  

 

SHOW, DON’T TELL!

by Jodie Renner, editor & author  

“Show, don’t tell” is one of the most important concepts for aspiring fiction writers to grasp, and often one of the most difficult to master. It’s about showing a scene in real time, with actions and dialogue, instead of telling your readers what happened after the fact. Done well, this technique brings the scene alive and puts the readers right there, inside your character, experiencing his fear along with him, feeling the sweat on his brow and his adrenaline racing, their pulse quickening right along with his, muscles tensed, ready to leap into action.

Until this concept is pointed out to them, a common mistake among newbie fiction writers is to describe or narrate (tell) events as if they took place at some point in the past, instead of putting the reader right in the middle of the action and showing the events as they occur, along with the characters’ actions, reactions, feelings, and actual words (direct dialogue). 

To clarify what is meant by “show, don’t tell,” think of it this way: Which would you rather do, go see a great movie in a theatre with a big screen and surround sound (“show”), or hear about the movie from someone else afterward (“tell”)? That’s the difference we’re talking about here.

According to Ingermanson and Economy, “Showing means presenting the story to the reader using sensory information. The reader wants to see the story, hear it, smell it, feel it, and taste it, all the while experiencing the thoughts and feelings of a living, breathing character. Telling means summarizing the story for the reader in a way that skips past the sensory information and goes straight to the facts.”

Janet Evanovich considers “show, don’t tell” to be one of the most important principles of fiction: “Instead of stating a situation flat out, you want to let the reader discover what you're trying to say by watching a character in action and by listening to his dialogue. Showing brings your characters to life.” 

As Jack Bickham says, “Not only does moment-by-moment development make the scene seem most lifelike, it’s in a scene [with dialogue and action and reaction] where your reader gets most of his excitement. If you summarize, your reader will feel cheated – short-changed of what he reads for – without quite knowing why.”

Shelly Thacker points out, “Readers of popular fiction don’t want to experience the events of your novel at a distance; they want to FEEL what’s happening. They want to laugh, cry, hope, worry.” Shelly advises, “Strive for more dialogue than narrative. … Narrative tends to slow things down and usually leads to telling instead of showing…. Showing with action and dialogue creates vivid characters and a fast pace; telling only bogs down your story.”

Also, the bulk of the scene needs to be about a conflict of some kind between characters. No conflict = no scene. According to Jack Bickham, the conflict part of the scene “draws readers out through a moment-by-moment drama, extending the scene suspense with pleasurable agony.”

Of course, you can’t show everything, or your book would be way too long, and it would tire your readers out – or worse, end up boring them. According to James Scott Bell, “Sometimes a writer tells as a shortcut, to move quickly to the meaty part of the story or scene. Showing is essentially about making scenes vivid. If you try to do it constantly, the parts that are supposed to stand out won’t, and your readers will get exhausted.” 

The rule, says Bell, is “the more intense the moment, the more showing you do.” That’s the difference between scene and summary. You don’t want to describe every move your characters make at down times, or when going from one place to the other. That’s where you summarize or “tell,” to get them to the next important scene quickly, without a lot of boring detail.  

The main thing to keep in mind is to never to tell the reader, after the fact (or have a character telling another character), about a critical scene. Instead, dramatize it in the here and now, with dialogue, action, and lots of sensory details to bring it to life for the reader.

Copyright © Jodie Renner, 2012

Resources:
James Scott Bell, Revision and Self-Editing
Jack M. Bickham, The 38 Most Common Fiction Writing Mistakes (And How To Avoid Them)
Randy Ingermanson and Peter Economy, Writing Fiction for Dummies
Shelly Thacker (www.ShellyThacker.com), “10 Tips for a Top-Notch Novel”  

 Bio updated 2015:
Jodie Renner is a freelance fiction editor and the award-winning author of three craft-of-writing guides in her series An Editor’s Guide to Writing Compelling Fiction: Captivate Your Readers, Fire up Your Fiction, and Writing a Killer Thriller. She has also published two clickable time-saving e-resources to date: Quick Clicks: Spelling List and Quick Clicks: Word Usage. You can find Jodie at www.JodieRenner.com, www.JodieRennerEditing.com, at The Kill Zone blog alternate Mondays, and on Facebook, Twitter, and Google+.

Open Your Novel in Your Protagonist's Head

by Jodie Renner, freelance editor

Unlike readers of decades or a century ago, who weren’t bombarded all day long with every kind of distracting media, all competing for their attention, today’s readers are less patient with rambling beginnings. They usually want to open a book and get sucked into the story world quickly. In the past, the more leisurely tradition was to start in omniscient point of view and describe the setting, followed by a kind of authorial overview of the situation and characters, and finally showing us the main character and his current situation. Today’s bestselling authors, for the most part, have gotten away from that type of opening. As literary agent and writing guru Donald Maass says, in rejecting submissions, “Too many manuscripts begin at a distance from their protagonists, as if opening with a long shot like in a movie. That’s a shame. Why keep readers at arm’s length?”

So nowadays, it’s more immediate and effective to start right out in your protagonist’s head and show him or her in motion, with attitude, actions, reactions and feelings. That way your reader, rather than being held at a distance while you introduce the setting or whatever, starts to become emotionally invested right away, and gets hooked in quickly, absorbed in your story, wanting to find out more. If you really want to start with the setting, make it brief, compelling and mood-setting.

Your first paragraph should be dynamic, not a meandering lead-up to something more interesting. Don’t rev your engines by starting your story with your character waking up to a normal day, or on the way to somewhere, with no tension. It’s more intriguing to readers if you open with the protagonist challenged somehow and the plot already moving forward. Also, an interaction with someone else, with some tension involved, is more compelling than internal musings, reflections, or thoughts about the weather or even upcoming events.

And it’s really best to get into the protagonist's POV right away, not some other character’s, and stay there for the first chapter, as readers start to identify with and bond with the first character they read about, and start worrying about them. If that person then gets killed off at the end of the chapter, or turns out to be a minor or even supporting character, many readers will feel cheated.

By starting in your main character’s head, you quickly answer the reader’s first question, “Whose story is this?” Don’t keep them wondering, trying to figure it out—that can be frustrating. They just want to know who to root for right off the bat, so they can relax and start enjoying the story. Similarly, start out each new chapter or scene with the name of the POV character for that scene, so we know right away who we’re concentrating on in this scene, whose head we’re in.

Also, I advise against starting with just “the detective” or “the police officer” or “the private investigator” or “the movie star” or some other anonymous, third-party, distancing description of your main character, without their name attached. That immediately creates an emotional distance from the character that can throw the reader off. Sure, use their title or other descriptor, but start right out in your protagonist’s head, and use his/her name. As Jack M. Bickham says, “Figure out whose story it is. Get inside that character right away—and stay there [for most of the story].”

Here are some examples of first lines / paragraphs of bestselling novels that start right out in the point of view of the protagonist of the novel.

Lee Child, The Hard Way: “Jack Reacher ordered espresso, double, no peel, no cube, foam cup, no china, and before it arrived at his table he saw a man’s life change forever.”

Louise Penny, Bury Your Dead: “Up the stairs they raced, taking them two at a time, trying to be as quiet as possible. Gamache struggled to keep his breathing steady, …”

David Baldacci, Hell’s Corner: “Oliver Stone was counting seconds, an exercise that had always calmed him. And he needed to be calm.”

Lisa Gardner, Love You More: “Sergeant Detective D.D. Warren prided herself on her excellent investigative skills.”

Andrew Gross, The Dark Tide: “As the morning sun canted sharply through the bedroom window, Charles Friedman dropped the baton. He hadn’t had the dream in years, yet there he was, gangly, twelve years old, running…”

Katherine Neville, The Fire: “Solarin gripped his little daughter’s mittened hand firmly in his own. He could hear the snow crunch beneath his boots and see their breath rise in silvery puffs, as together they crossed…”

Steve Berry, The Paris Vendetta: “The bullet tore into Cotton Malone’s left shoulder. He fought to ignore the pain and focused on the plaza. People rushed in all directions. Horns blared. Tires squealed.”

Karin Slaughter, Fallen: “Faith Mitchell dumped the contents of her purse onto the passenger seat of her Mini, trying to find something to eat. [..] The computer seminar she’d attended this morning was supposed to last only three hours, but…”

Lee Child, Tripwire: “Jack Reacher saw the guy step in through the door.”

Of course, we can all think of excellent novels that take several paragraphs or even pages to establish the POV character, but in general, delaying this vital info is on the decline. And aspiring authors who intend to go the agent and publisher route especially need to consider the short attention span of busy, time-pressured literary agents, most of whom won’t read past the first page if it confuses or bores them, many rejecting a manuscript after only a few paragraphs.

What do you think? What are some story openings that have hooked you in right away?

Copyright © Jodie Renner, July 2012

Resources:

Jack M. Bickham, The 38 Most Common Fiction Writing Mistakes
Donald Maass, The Fire in Fiction

For related articles, see my blog posts “Set up Your Story in the First Paragraphs, “Those Critical First Five Pages,” and "Act First, Explain Later." Also, “POV 101 – Get into Your Protagonist’s Head and Stay There (for most of your story)," and "Psychic Distance.”


Jodie Renner, a freelance fiction editor specializing in thrillers and other fast-paced fiction, has published two books to date in her series, An Editor’s Guide to Writing Compelling Fiction: WRITING A KILLER THRILLER and STYLE THAT SIZZLES & PACING FOR POWER (Silver Medalist in the FAPA Book Awards, 2013).
Both titles are available in e-book and paperback. For more info, please visit Jodie’s author website or editor website, or find her on Facebook or Twitter.

 

 

Notes on Thrillerfest 2012, NYC

by Jodie Renner, freelance editor

Steve Berry

I attended Thrillerfest in New York City July 11-14, for the third year in a row. Had a blast! As always, it was highly informative, stimulating, fun, inspiring, and exhausting! A whirlwind of attending workshops and panels and madly taking notes, chatting with others, buying the latest books at the bookstore and lining up to get them signed, and just generally bustling around trying to make the most of a high-powered, jam-packed experience!

Donald Maass

I usually just attend the first two days, Craftfest, which is more bang for your buck for aspiring authors and even published fiction writers, with its in-depth workshops presented by bestselling writers on every aspect of writing fiction that sells - especially suspense-thrillers. This year I added a day of Thrillerfest. The Craftfest seminars I attended included excellent presentations by Steve Berry, James Scott Bell, Steven James, Donald Maass, Robert Dugoni and others. I also did some volunteering, including for Agentfest.

Right off the bat, I want to recommend a nearby hotel that will save you hundreds of dollars. Thrillerfest is at the Grand Hyatt Hotel on East 42nd Street, right beside Grand Central Station. Even with the special rate for conference attendees, it's expensive to stay there. I found a much more reasonably priced hotel, the Bedford, on East 40th, just two short blocks from the conference. My normal-sized, clean hotel room had a small fridge, a microwave, a coffee-maker, a safe, free Wi-Fi, a desk, a closet (of course!) and even a big, deep bathtub -- a rarity in NYC hotels! I had no complaints whatsoever about the Hotel Bedford and recommend it for future Thrillerfest attendees who'd like to save a bit of money.

Jodie Renner & Beverly Purdy

But back to Craftfest and Thrillerfest, the workshops and panels were excellent (more on those in future posts), and the cocktail parties were a blast! I really enjoyed networking with writers and others in the writing biz, especially the thriller-writing industry. I met and spent great times with three of my thriller-writer clients, California psychiatrist Beverly Purdy, Ian Walkley, author of action-thriller No Remorse, and Dara Carr, a very talented new thriller writer, all of whom very successfully pitched to many agents at Agentfest. I really enjoyed hanging out with Beverly Purdy (right) at the conference! Such an awesome person! Watch for her upcoming psychological thriller!

Jodie and Doug Lyle

Also enjoyed chatting with award-winning writer DP Lyle, Craftfest Director and VP, National Events for ITW, whose blog, The Writer's Forensics Blog, I guest-post on a lot.

Jodie with Shane Gericke

And overall friendly guy, thriller writer Shane Gericke, organizer of Agentfest and general "ambassador" of Thrillerfest.




Also enjoyed talking with James Scott Bell, writer and presenter extraordinaire, whose how-to books I'm always quoting, especially Revision and Self-Editing.

Robert Dugoni

Went to two excellent workshops by excellent thriller writer and engaging writing instructor Robert Dugoni, and chatted with him for a while.




Also met and chatted with "recovering lawyer" Diane Capri, author of the riveting Don't Know Jack (The Hunt for Jack Reacher series) and other crime fiction. And networked with many more authors and friends/colleagues from Facebook, Twitter, and various blogs. Highly stimulating!

Lee Child

Kathleen Antrim's interview of Lee Child was jam-packed and centered mostly around the controversy of casting Tom Cruise to play Jack Reacher in the upcoming movie entitled Jack Reacher. Lee Child was intelligent and very down to earth, friendly and approachable - and an inspiring speaker!

Sandra Brown

At the Love is Murder Cocktail Party, I got one of my all-time favorite authors, Sandra Brown, to sign the anthology she edited, and pose for a picture with me.




I'll definitely be heading back to Thrillerfest again next year, especially since I discovered that more reasonable hotel close by!

Jodie Renner is a freelance editor specializing in thrillers, romantic suspense, mysteries, and other crime fiction. Please check out Jodie’s website and blog, as well as her group blog, Crime Fiction Collective.

Jodie’s craft of fiction articles appear regularly on various blogs, and she has published two popular craft-of-fiction e-books in the series, An Editor’s Guide to Writing Compelling Fiction: Writing a Killer Thriller and Style that Sizzles and Pacing for Power.

Both are on sale at Amazon, and you don’t need to own a Kindle to buy and read Kindle e-books – you can download them to your PC, Mac, tablet or smartphone. Style that Sizzles will be out in paperback soon.