Act First, Explain Later

Twelve dos and don'ts for a riveting opening to your story

by Jodie Renner, editor & author 

The opening paragraphs and first page of your novel or short story are absolutely critical. How you craft your opening will make the difference between a potential reader starting your book, then putting it down (or rejecting it online) and seeking another one, or, their interest and curiosity piqued, eagerly turning the page to read on.

Gone are the days when readers of fiction were willing to read pages or even paragraphs of description and lead-up before diving into the actual story. Readers, agents, and publishers today don’t have the time, patience, or desire to wade through pages of warm-up, scene-setting, backstory, or description, so you need to dispense with revving your engine and hook them in right from the first sentence and first paragraph of your story.

As James Scott Bell says so wisely in his writing guide, Revision and Self-Editing, about the opening paragraphs, 

“Give us a character in motion. Something happening to a person from line one. Make that a disturbing thing, or have it presage something disturbing.”

Here are twelve dos and don’ts for making the first page of your novel zing and entice readers to turn to the second page. Note that these are recommendations to hook readers in, not hard-and-fast rules. 

1. DON’T begin with a long description of the setting or with detailed background information on your characters. 

 - DO begin with meaningful, interesting dialogue and interaction, with some tension, then add in any necessary backstory information or description in small doses, on a need-to-know basis as you progress through the story.

2. DON’T start with a character other than your protagonist.    

 - DO introduce your novel's main character right in the first paragraph.

3. DON’T start with a description of past events.

 

 - DO jump right in with what the lead character is involved in right now, with some tension, an aspiration/goal, or some conflict.

4. DON’T start in a viewpoint other than the main character’s. 

 - DO start telling the story from your protagonist’s point of view. It’s best to stay in the viewpoint of the hero/heroine for the whole first chapter, preferably the first few chapters to establish them as the lead character. And don’t change the point of view within a scene.

5. DON’T present your protagonist in a static, neutral (boring) situation.

 

 - DO develop your main character quickly by putting her in a bit of hot water and showing how she reacts to the situation, so readers can empathize and “bond” with her, and start caring enough about her to keep reading.  Google "inciting incident."

6. DON’T start with your character all alone, reflecting on his life. 

 - DO have more than one character (two is best) interacting, with action and dialogue. That’s much more compelling than reading the thoughts or musings of one person.

7. DON’T start with your protagonist planning a trip, or travelling somewhere; in other words, as a lead-up to an important scene. 

 - DO start in media res – jump right into the middle of the action. Present her in a meaningful scene.

8. DON’T introduce a lot of characters in the first few pages.

 

 - DO limit the number of characters you introduce in the first few pages to three or less. 

9. DON’T spend too long leading up to the main conflict or problem the protagonist faces.

 

 - DO introduce the main dilemma (or at least some significant tension) within the first chapters. 

10. DON’T leave the reader wondering what the characters look like. 

 - DO provide a brief description of each character as they’re introduced, so the readers can form a picture of him or her in their minds. But don't get carried away with too many details, and be sure to make it from the POV character's viewpoint and impressions, not a neutral description by the author/narrator.

11. DON’T have the main character looking in the mirror as a device for describing him/her. This has been overdone. 

 - DO work in the description in a more natural way, by relating it to his or her actions or interactions with others.

12. DON’T wait too long to introduce the hero in a romance or romantic suspense.

 

 - DO introduce the love interest by the end of chapter one, to spark reader interest.

Remember, you can always start your story wherever you want in the draft stage, if it’ll make you feel better. Then in the editing stage, you can go back and cut out or condense the first several paragraphs or pages or even most of the first chapter, so that, in your final draft, your actual story starts after all that lead-up (some of which may appear later, in snippets here and there).

In conclusion, here’s some great advice for writing compelling fiction, coined by author Dan Brown and made popular by James Scott Bell: 

Act first, explain later.

Click HERE for options to receive email alerts of new posts published on this blog.

Jodie Renner is a freelance fiction editor and the award-winning author of three craft-of-writing guides in her series An Editor’s Guide to Writing Compelling Fiction: WRITING A KILLER THRILLER, FIRE UP YOUR FICTION, and CAPTIVATE YOUR READERS, as well as two clickable time-saving e-resources, QUICK CLICKS: Spelling List and QUICKCLICKS: Word Usage. She has also organized two anthologies for charity: VOICES FROM THE VALLEYS – Stories and Poems about Life in BC’s Interior, and CHILDHOOD REGAINED – Stories of Hope for Asian Child Workers. You can find Jodie on her Amazon Author Page, at www.JodieRenner.com, and on Facebook. 

12 Dos and Don'ts for a Riveting Opening

updated from original post, by Jodie Renner, editor & author 

Do you want your popular fiction novel to reach lots of readers and garner great reviews? Of course you do! Competition is fierce, so your first pages have to grab the readers and compel them to keep turning the pages till the end.

Whether in a bookstore or shopping online, potential readers start by checking out the back cover blurb, then read the first page or two. Based on that, they'll either buy that novel or move on to another.

Your first pages are critical!

Gone are the days when fiction readers were willing to read pages of description and lead-up before being introduced to the characters and the plot. Readers, agents, and publishers today don’t have the time or patience to wade through pages of backstory and description, so you need to grab their interest right from the first sentence and first paragraph of your story.

As James Scott Bell says in Revision and Self-Editing, about the opening paragraphs,
“Give us a character in motion. Something happening to a person from line one. Make that a disturbing thing, or have it presage something disturbing.”

HERE ARE 12 DOS AND DON'TS FOR HOOKING READERS IN RIGHT FROM THE START. 

These are not hard-and-fast rules, of course, but techniques for engaging your readers emotionally, which is what will keep them turning the pages.

1. Don’t begin with a long, neutral description of the setting or with background information on your main character.

Do begin with dialogue and action, then add any necessary backstory or description in bits and pieces where it fits well as you progress through the story. This also builds up reader curiosity and adds intrigue.

2. Don’t start with a character other than your protagonist. 

Do introduce your protagonist right in the first paragraph – preferably the first sentence. Readers want to know right away whose story it is, which character you’re asking them to identify with. (See below for some first lines of bestselling novels.)

3. Don’t start with a description of past events. 

Do jump right in with what the main character is involved in right now and introduce some tension or conflict as soon as possible.

4. Don’t start in a viewpoint other than the main character’s.

Rather than starting in omniscient point of view, as the author talking to the readers, or in the viewpoint of a minor character observing, do start telling the story from your protagonist’s point of view, so readers start bonding with him or her right away. It’s best to stay in the protagonist’s viewpoint for at least the whole first chapter, or most of it, and don’t change the point of view within a scene.

5. Don’t introduce your protagonist in a static, neutral (boring) situation. 

Do develop your main character quickly by putting her in a bit of hot water and showing how she reacts to the situation, so readers can empathize and “bond” with her and start caring enough about her to keep reading. 

6. Don’t start with your character all alone, reflecting on his life. 

Do have more than one character (two is best) interacting, with action and dialogue and some tension. That’s more compelling than reading the thoughts of one person.

7. Don’t start with your protagonist getting out of bed, planning a trip, or traveling somewhere.

In other words, don’t start with him on his way to an important scene. Instead, present him in a meaningful scene right away.

8. Don’t introduce a lot of characters in the first few pages. 

To avoid reader confusion and frustration, it’s best to limit the number of characters you introduce in the first few pages to three or less. 

9. Don't confuse the readers. Don't leave them wondering who this is, where they are, and what's going on.

Readers want to get a handle very early on as to the 5 W's: Who, What, Where, When, and Why. Who is this character, exactly? Give the gender, approximate age, occupation, and standing in life of your protagonist. Also, what's going on and where are they? Is it the present or past? Once readers have a basic idea of your main character and story world, they can sit back and relax and get into the story.

10. Don’t leave the reader wondering what the characters look like or their approximate ages. 

Do provide a brief description of each main or supporting character as they’re introduced, or as soon as you can work it in, so the readers can form a picture of him or her in their minds. But don’t spend too much time detailing every single thing they’re wearing – just a rough sketch is best, with first-impression character traits, and from your viewpoint character’s point of view, but subtly and with attitude.

11. Don’t wait too long to introduce the love interest or villain.

To add interest and intrigue, in a romance, do introduce the hero (love interest) and, in a thriller, show us the antagonist (bad guy) within the first chapter or two. 

12. Don’t spend too long on setup.

Don’t take chapters to introduce the main conflict or problem the protagonist faces. Do write in an inciting incident, or at least some significant tension, within the first pages. 

But don’t fuss over your opening in the writing stage. Just start your story wherever you want. Then in the editing stage, you can go back and cut out the first several paragraphs or pages or even most of the first chapter or two, so that, in your final draft, your actual story starts after all that lead-up (some of which may appear later, in snippets here and there). 

In conclusion, here’s a little rule for writing compelling fiction: 

Act first, explain later.

The above tips are excerpted from Jodie Renner's writing guide, FIRE UP YOUR FICTION, available on all Amazon sites and elsewhere. 

Amazon.com   Amazon.ca   Amazon.co.uk

Here are some effective opening lines from bestselling novels. Notice that the protagonist is mentioned by name right at the beginning, and the scene is in his/her point of view. Also, some tension and intrigue is introduced right away to compel us to keep reading.

"Jack Reacher ordered espresso, double, no peel, no cube, no foam, no china, and before it arrived at his table he saw a man’s life change forever."
– Lee Child, first line of The Hard Way

"The voice on the phone was a whisper. It had a forceful, almost desperate quality to it.
Henry Pierce told the caller he had a wrong number, but the voice became insistent."
- Michael Connelly, opening lines of Chasing the Dime

"The man with the rubber boots stepped into the elevator behind me, but I didn't see him at first. I smelled him though--the pungent odor of smoke and cheap wine and life on the street without soap."
- John Grisham, opening lines of The Street Lawyer


"I’d never given much thought to how I would die – even though I’d had reason enough in the last few months – but even if I had, I would not have imagined it like this."
– Stephenie Meyer, first line of Twilight

"The night Vincent was shot he saw it coming."
– Elmore Leonard, first line of Glitz

"Cooper Sullivan’s life, as he’d known it, was over."
– Nora Roberts, first line of Black Hills

"Dallas ran, far from the house. He could hear his aunt Betsy calling to him, but he needed to escape."
- Heather Graham, opening of the Prologue of The Summoning

Do you have any gripping opening lines you'd like to share? Please use the comments below. Thanks.

Click HERE for options to receive email alerts of new posts published on this blog.

Jodie Renner is a freelance fiction editor and the award-winning author of three craft-of-writing guides in her series An Editor’s Guide to Writing Compelling Fiction: WRITING A KILLER THRILLER, FIRE UP YOUR FICTION, and CAPTIVATE YOUR READERS, as well as two clickable time-saving e-resources, QUICK CLICKS: Spelling List and QUICK CLICKS: Word Usage. She has also organized two anthologies for charity: VOICES FROM THE VALLEYS – Stories and Poems about Life in BC’s Interior, and CHILDHOOD REGAINED – Stories of Hope for Asian Child Workers. You can find Jodie on her Amazon Author Page, at www.JodieRenner.com, and on Facebook. 

The Worst Ways to Begin Your Novel - Advice from Literary Agents

Here's some interesting advice from literary agents on the opening pages of your novel, compiled by Chuck Samuchino, of Writer's Digest:

 The Worst Ways to Begin Your Novel: Advice from Literary Agents

August 6, 2013 by Chuck Sambuchino

This column is excerpted from Guide to Literary Agents, from Writer’s Digest Books.

No one reads more prospective novel beginnings than literary agents.

They’re the ones on the front lines, sifting through inboxes and slush piles. And they’re the ones who can tell us which Chapter One approaches are overused and cliché, as well as which techniques just plain don’t work.

Below find a smattering of feedback from experienced literary agents on what they hate to see the first pages of a writer’s submission. Avoid these problems and tighten your submission!

 False beginnings

“I don’t like it when the main character dies at the end of Chapter One. Why did I just spend all this time with this character? I feel cheated.”

- Cricket Freeman, The August Agency

“I dislike opening scenes that you think are real, then the protagonist wakes up. It makes me feel cheated.”

- Laurie McLean, Foreword Literary

 In science fiction

“A sci-fi novel that spends the first two pages describing the strange landscape.”

- Chip MacGregor, MacGregor Literary

 Prologues

“I’m not a fan of prologues, preferring to find myself in the midst of a moving plot on page one rather than being kept outside of it, or eased into it.”

- Michelle Andelman, Regal Literary

“Most agents hate prologues. Just make the first chapter relevant and well written.”

- Andrea Brown, Andrea Brown Literary Agency

“Prologues are usually a lazy way to give back-story chunks to the reader and can be handled with more finesse throughout the story. Damn the prologue, full speed ahead!”

- Laurie McLean, Foreword Literary

 Exposition and description

“Perhaps my biggest pet peeve with an opening chapter is when an author features too much exposition – when they go beyond what is necessary for simply ‘setting the scene.’ I want to feel as if I’m in the hands of a master storyteller, and starting a story with long, flowery, overly-descriptive sentences (kind of like this one) makes the writer seem amateurish and the story contrived. Of course, an equally jarring beginning can be nearly as off-putting, and I hesitate to read on if I’m feeling disoriented by the fifth page. I enjoy when writers can find a good balance between exposition and mystery. Too much accounting always ruins the mystery of a novel, and the unknown is what propels us to read further.”

- Peter Miller, PMA Literary and Film Management

“The [adjective] [adjective] sun rose in the [adjective] [adjective] sky, shedding its [adjective] light across the [adjective] [adjective] [adjective] land.”

- Chip MacGregor, MacGregor Literary

“I dislike endless ‘laundry list’ character descriptions. For example: ‘She had eyes the color of a summer sky and long blonde hair that fell in ringlets past her shoulders. Her petite nose was the perfect size for her heart-shaped face. Her azure dress — with the empire waist and long, tight sleeves — sported tiny pearl buttons down the bodice. Ivory lace peeked out of the hem in front, blah, blah.’ Who cares! Work it into the story.”

- Laurie McLean, Foreword Literary

... and lots more! For more advice on your opening, click HERE:

Check out these links with concrete tips for writing an opening that grabs both readers and agents:

12 Do’s and Don’ts for an Amazing First Page
Those Critical First Five Pages

Set up Your Story in the First Paragraphs

Open Your Novel in Your Protagonist’s Head

Write a Killer Thriller Opening

Also, links to some first-page critiques.

Some First-Page Critiques

by Jodie Renner, editor, author, speaker

As you know, your first page is so critical for hooking readers in and compelling them to keep turning the pages of your novel.

I've been critiquing first paragraphs and first pages for Angela Ackerman and Becca Puglisi this week over at Writers Helping Writers.

Today, Oct. 24, 2013, I'm critiquing the first page of a novel over at The Kill Zone, one of my group blogs. My first-page critique there is on a novel called The Pink Motorcycle.

See down for links to more first-page critiques I offered here earlier this year.

Some articles with tips for creating a gripping opening to your novel:

Those Critical First Five Pages

Set up Your Story in the First Paragraphs

Open Your Novel in Your Protagonist’s Head

12 Do’s and Don’ts for an Amazing First Page

Write a Killer Thriller Opening

Here are some links to other first-page critiques I've done of novels:

MYSTERY THRILLER:

Resources for Writers: First-Page Critique - Mystery-Thriller

HISTORICAL FICTION:

Resources for Writers: Critique of First Page - Historical Fiction 

WESTERN:

Resources for Writers: Critique of First Page - Western

HISTORICAL THRILLER:

Resources for Writers: First-Page Critique - Historical Thriller

MAINSTREAM:

Resources for Writers: Critique of first page of a novel

 

FIRST 5 PAGES for Greater Fort Worth Writers:

Resources for Writers: Critique of First Few Pages

 

Jodie Renner, a freelance fiction editor specializing in thrillers and other fast-paced fiction, has published two books to date in her series, An Editor’s Guide to Writing Compelling Fiction: WRITING A KILLER THRILLER and STYLE THAT SIZZLES & PACING FOR POWER (Silver Medalist in the FAPA Book Awards, 2013). Both titles are available in e-book and paperback. For more info, please visit Jodie’s author website or editor website, or find her on Facebook or Twitter.

 

To subscribe to Jodie’s Resources for Writers newsletter (published about 4-10 times a year), please click on this link: http://eepurl.com/C9dKD

 

 

 

 

 

 

Those Critical First Five Pages

by Jodie Renner, editor, author, speaker

 

 

Congratulations! You’ve finished the first draft of your novel! Now it’s time to go back and polish up your first few pages. Then later you can do a third—or tenth—rewrite of that all-important first few paragraphs to create the most enticing hook possible. For today, we’ll talk about the essential ingredients of the first five pages (or the first page or two of a short story), as most agents and acquiring editors—and readers—will stop reading by the fifth page, or sooner, if the story and characters don’t grab them by then. 

In February 2011, I attended a workshop by literary agent Kristin Nelson at the San Miguel Writers’ Conference, in which she had attendees anonymously submit the first two pages of their novel. She started reading the submissions and stopped at the spot where she lost interest. In many instances it was after the first or second paragraph! Sometimes she made it almost to the end of the first page, and in one case, even halfway through the second page. Then she told us why that manuscript, as written, would be rejected. (Not a single one of those made it.)  

In a follow-up article in Writer’s Digest (Oct. 2011), Kristen gives four examples of submissions and where and why she stopped reading three of them (all on the first page): “too much dialogue,” “overuse of description,” and “lack of tension.” In her workshop, “lack of clear protagonist,” “unsympathetic protagonist,” “boring” and “confusing” were other reasons given.  

After Ms. Nelson's workshop, I heard a lot of “If she’d only read a little further, she would have seen that…” or “That wasn’t fair. She didn’t give me a chance. How can she judge a manuscript by only reading one page?” Unfortunately, agents get tens of thousands of submissions a year, and if you don’t grab them within the first page or two, the sad reality is that your book will probably be rejected. And of course, as readers, most of us will read the back cover and maybe the first page, then decide based on that whether to buy the book or not. And even when I’ve paid money for a book, if it doesn’t grab me by about page ten, I’ll discard it. 

One of the main reasons agents, acquiring editors and readers will reject a book after reading the first few pages is that they’re confused. They need to get a picture right away about whose story it is, why we should care about that person, and roughly where and when the story is taking place. Once readers have a handle on the main character and the setting, they can relax and settle into the story world. Of course, you also have to spark their interest with a problem early on—put your protagonist in some hot water with an inciting incident, so the reader can sympathize with them and start rooting for them. 

Whose story is it? 

It’s important to start out the novel in the viewpoint of your protagonist, as the first person the readers read about is the person they start identifying with, and they’ll feel cheated if suddenly, after they’ve invested some time and effort into getting to know this person and bonding a bit with him, he suddenly turns out to be not someone they should be rooting for at all, but in fact the antagonist, whom they’re supposed to be hating, or worse yet, a minor character or someone who gets killed off a little while later. 

As Steve Berry, bestselling author and sought-after writing workshop leader, told a packed room of eager aspiring writers at Craftfest, part of Thrillerfest 2011 in New York, “Always start your book in the point of view of your protagonist.” I think this is excellent advice, as the readers—not to mention agents and acquiring editors—want to know right away whose story it is, who to start bonding with and cheering for. 

Here are the first questions your readers will be asking: 

Why should I care about this character, anyway?

Readers aren’t going to invest time reading a story about a character they don’t like or can’t identify with, so make sure your protagonist is likeable and sympathetic, to draw the readers in to identify with him or her. And make them well-rounded and complex, with hopes and fears, strengths and weaknesses, and inner conflict. And of course have them confronted with a problem—an inciting incident—within the first few pages, as conflict is what drives fiction forward. A perfect character with an ideal life is both annoying and boring—not a formula for compelling fiction! 

Where and when is the action taking place?

Without drowning us in long descriptive passages right at the beginning, give the readers a few hints very early on—definitely on the first page—of the setting of your story: Contemporary? Past? Future? Country/Culture? Urban/rural/wilderness? Which city or town? And so on. Don’t confuse and frustrate your readers by making them wonder where on earth all this is happening, and whether it’s in the present or some other time. 

Why should I read this story?

Show your stuff in your first five pages or so. Draw the reader (or agent or editor) in with a great first scene, well-written, with interesting, complex characters, some intriguing action, and compelling, natural-sounding dialogue. Include your inciting incident and initial conflict, and hint at greater problems to come. Introduce or hint at a worthy adversary—a cunning villain or attractive but maddening/annoying possible love interest. And write your first pages in the same tone, style and voice you’ll be using for your novel, so the readers will have a good idea of what they’ll be getting into. And of course, continue in this same tone (suspenseful, humorous, serious, romantic, etc.) for the rest of the novel, so the reader won’t feel cheated or misled. 

But don’t get bogged down trying to perfect your opening pages in the early stages – wait until you’ve got all or most of your first draft written. By then, you’ll be “in the groove” and you’ll know your character and his/her problems a lot better, as well as the resolution, so this part will flow so much more easily.

Jodie Renner has published two books to date in her series, An Editor’s Guide to Writing Compelling Fiction: Writing a Killer Thriller and Fire up Your Fiction (Style That Sizzles & Pacing for Power), which has won two book awards so far. Look for her third book in the series, out soon. For more info, please visit Jodie’s author website or editor website, her blogs, The Kill Zone, Resources for Writers, and Crime Fiction Collective, or find her on Facebook, Twitter, and Google+. And sign up for her newsletter.

 
 

First-Page Critique - Mystery-Thriller

by Jodie Renner, editor, author, and speaker

This week's critique is of the first page of a mystery thriller. Here's the opening to the novel:


The smell woke him first—a spicy, rancid arousal—followed by the fetid hot breath on his face. William Law’s eyes flickered open. In the dark alleyway, he’d fallen asleep. He gasped and struggled to draw breath, aware of the pressure at his throat. Dark eyes stared down into his.

“Shut up. Don’t make a sound.”

William wheezed, thrashed his legs, and clawed at the man’s hands, desperate for air. A knee dropped down hard onto his chest, threatened to crush him. He beat his fists against thick muscular biceps and dug his heels into the ground, tried to buck his body beneath the weight on top of him. He brought up his leg and drove a knee hard into the other man’s lower back, used every ounce of his strength to resist.

“Damn it.” 

The man fought back harder, grabbed William’s head and twisted, put agonizing pressure on his neck. Pain exploded behind his eyes. Frantic, William clawed at the ground for a rock or a stick, anything he could use to beat off the mugger. As his sight faded and the edge of blackness crept in, his fingers touched a hard object. He clutched at it, gripped hold, and swung with the remainder of his strength, heard the dull sound of glass against bone, followed by a groan. Blood pumping, heart pounding, he lashed out again, his last chance to survive. The jagged edge of the broken glass bottle tore across the soft exposed flesh of the man’s throat.


This is a gripping, very well-written opening that definitely grabbed my attention right away. I can tell this is going to be an intriguing page-turner! 

But I would move this scene further down and back up and let us get to know William Law a bit first, before thrusting him into a life-threatening situation like this. Readers need to warm up to the protagonist a bit and start bonding with him before they can start worrying about him. No need to spend pages introducing him, but I'd present him in a scene where he's interacting with others in his "normal" world, then something suddenly happens to disturb that world. He encounters the first problem or conflict of the story, which could then lead up to this much more critical situation. 

Also, that approach would establish the main character and his world right away, and answer the 4 W's that every opening should reveal: Who, What, Where, and When. Readers like to get situated at the beginning of the novel. They want to know immediately whose story it is and a bit about that person. And they want to know where the story is taking place and roughly when.

This writer is obviously very talented, so I can't wait to see the new opening and read the whole novel!

Click on these links for other first-page critiques: mainstream, historical fiction, historical thriller, and western.

If you'd like me to critique the first page of your novel or short story anonymously, please email the first 400 words or so, plus the genre and a sentence or two about the story, to: j.renner.editing(at)hotmail(dot)com. Thanks!

Jodie Renner, a freelance fiction editor specializing in thrillers and other fast-paced fiction, has published two books to date in her series, An Editor’s Guide to Writing Compelling Fiction: WRITING A KILLER THRILLER and STYLE THAT SIZZLES & PACING FOR POWER (Silver Medalist in the FAPA Book Awards, 2013). Both titles are available in e-book and paperback. For more info, please visit Jodie’s author website or editor website, or find her on Facebook or Twitter.

To subscribe to Jodie’s Resources for Writers newsletter (published about 4-10 times a year), please click on this link: http://eepurl.com/C9dKD
. 

Critique of First Page - Western

by Jodie Renner, freelance editor and craft-of-fiction writer

So far in this series of critiques of the first page of a novel or short story, I've introduced the series, then critiqued the first page of a mainstream novel, historical fiction, and a historical thriller. Today's first page is from a western novel.

I recently presented a workshop on writing compelling first pages to a writers' group, and afterward, volunteers read their first page aloud and we discussed their strengths and also ways in which they could set the scene better and be more engaging and intriguing, to hook readers in right away.

This one, the beginning of a western, is obviously well-written, but could have been much more gripping right from the first paragraphs. The author, GK Parker, has given me permission to use it and their name in today's blog.

Here's the original:

Trip Forrester studied the bank of heavy clouds collecting over the distant peaks of the Wyoming Cinnabar mountain range. Winter was coming. And it would be nothing like what passed for winter in Alabama. Overhead, the sky transformed from pink to soft shades of deepening purple and red as the sun slipped behind the mountains, stealing the day with it. A cool breeze sprang up, whispering through the branches of several nearby Ponderosa pines. In the buckboard traces Wilson, his ten-year-old gelding, shifted, his harness jingling. He stamped one foot impatiently. 

"Yep, me too," Trip said. He slapped the leather reins and they made their way down the valley to Snake Creek ranch. The crumpled letter rustled in his pocket. He ignored the temptation to throw it away just like he'd resisted the urge to punch the post office clerk who handed him the letter that had arrived five days earlier. Not that the pock-faced kid had really done anything to deserve it, but he was in front of Trip when he opened the letter and read the Mr. Forrester line. 

The small homestead he had put up with his partner, Marty Helms, stood in deepening shadows. Coming around the last copse of trees lining the dirt lane he caught sight of the small cabin. A light glowed through the single window of wavy glass Trip had bought from Otto Gramm's in Laramie at great expense. So, Marty was back from his hunting trip. 

He pulled into the yard, stopping on the apron of raw earth near the front steps to the porch. The wagon creaked when he set the brake, jumped down where he unhitched and led Wilson to the small paddock. Blue Dog, the roan he had won in a poker game last fall, hung his dark head over the top rail and nickered at them. Cactus, Marty's mustang, joined in.

With Marty home, maybe they could get the drift fence finished this week after all. He glanced toward the wood piled beside the newly finished barn. It was ready, now it only needed two men willing to put their butts to work and keep them there until the job was done.

The three geldings nickered back and forth while Trip unharnessed Wilson. He slapped the gelding's broad rump to get him moving through the gate. He checked the water and feed trough and found Marty had already taken care of both. Using his calfskin gloves, he wiped the dust and sweat off Wilson's back. Gate latched behind him, Trip carried the harness to the barn, sidestepping Nonny, Marty's milk goat, on the way out. Striding toward the cabin, he tried not to think of the letter scorching a hole in his pocket. He had ridden thirty-one miles to Laramie to meet the train carrying his potential bride only to be handed her letter instead." 

Jodie: I felt that, although quite lyrical and nicely written, to hook in today's busy and often impatient readers, this opening needs a lot more tension, conflict, and intrigue. Also, to bring the character alive and make us identify with him and start worrying about him, we need to see his emotions and reactions more. And it would be more dynamic to have him interacting with someone else, preferably someone with an opposing agenda, rather than alone, thinking. There's way too much description and not enough action and interaction and reaction. Also, I wasn't sure whether it was a historical western or a modern western, so it would be good to clarify the time period.

The author emailed me a second version, which was much improved, but I offered a few more tips. then they came up with this final version, which is much more gripping and engaging, I think, and really makes me want to read on and find out more about this character and what happens to him. 

Here's the second rewrite:

October 6, 1874 

Trip Forrester's fingers fumbled as he struggled to get the ivory buttons through the button holes. Even before the top one closed, the starched collar of his white shirt was chafing his neck. It would be raw before he reached town. He pulled on the blue silk vest and got the bolo tie in place and pushed the discomfort aside. He'd wanted this. 

Once he'd figured the only way he was going to get a wife was to advertise for one. He'd started all this with his post to the eastern papers before Christmas last year.

No time to get spooky. The girl come all this way to marry you.

He stared down at the brand spanking new boots that hurt and made him feel like a dandified Eastern dude. The bowler hat just looked ridiculous.

"Yer barkin' at a frog," he muttered, running calloused fingers under the stiff collar. "She's gonna come."

So why were his hands shaking? 

He pulled his duster on to keep his fancy clothes looking good. His gaze kept darting toward the door; he was gonna be late if he kept this primping up. 

"Never had to look this good for no damn cayuse."

Sweat dripped down his brow, stinging the raw flesh of his neck. He strode out into the sun-bleached yard. It hadn't rained in weeks, the road to Laramie would be bone dry. He'd be able to make the trip in three hours. The Union Pacific was due in at twelve-ten. He pulled out his pocket-watch. Nine-twenty. 

Pulling Roach, his ten-year-old gelding out of the paddock he put him to the buckboard. It was nearly twenty minutes before he guided the wagon off Snake Creek ranch.

[...] (Left out two short paragraphs in here that slow the momentum a bit and could be condensed or deleted.)

The steady clop-clop of Roach's shod hooves mesmerized him, messing up his sense of time but not his growing apprehension. Late. What kind of man was late for his own wedding? Butterflies, or something a whole lot bigger, thrashed around in his stomach. The road into Laramie was a flat stretch of dusty clay, pot-marked by much heavier traffic than what was near Snake Creek ranch. He trotted the last mile, passing a wagon carrying newly cut logs and a few riders out on business. One group led a half a dozen young horses down the side of the road. Mustangs. The canyons around here were full of them, ripe for the picking.

With the arrival of Union Pacific a few years ago the town was exploding. Too much so for Trip's taste but it meant a steady market for the stock he planned to bring in next year.

In the distance he heard the train whistle.

He didn't have time to stable Roach and left him in front of the terminal amid a cluster of other carriages and buckboards. Climbing down, Trip found himself hanging back, one hand on Roach's collar. He sucked in several deep breaths of air that smelled like burnt sand. 

The low, red brick two-story building loomed at the east end of town. As crowds streamed past him, he straightened, smoothing his hands over his hair, hoping the grease he had put on it was holding the normally curly mess in place. His newly shaved cheeks left him feeling naked and he knew he stood out like a peacock in a pen full of chickens.

"Big day, isn't it?" Ross Parker, the druggist slapped him on the back. "Bet this day's been a long time coming."

"Yeah," he said. "A long time."

I think these first two pages bring the scene and character to life much more vividly than the original. If I were working with this author I would probably still have a few more small suggestions here and there, but I think this opening has come a long way! It definitely hooked me in!

Feel free to submit the first page of your novel or short story (maximum 400 words) to j.renner.editing(at)hotmail(dot)com. I'll be glad to add it to the ones I've already received to critique here anonymously.

Jodie Renner, a freelance fiction editor specializing in thrillers and other fast-paced fiction, has published two books to date in her series, An Editor’s Guide to Writing Compelling Fiction: WRITING A KILLER THRILLER and STYLE THAT SIZZLES & PACING FOR POWER (Silver Medalist in the FAPA Book Awards, 2013). Both titles are available in e-book and paperback. For more info, please visit Jodie’s author website or editor website, or find her on Facebook or Twitter.

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