Those Critical First Five Pages

by Jodie Renner, editor, author, speaker

 

 

Congratulations! You’ve finished the first draft of your novel! Now it’s time to go back and polish up your first few pages. Then later you can do a third—or tenth—rewrite of that all-important first few paragraphs to create the most enticing hook possible. For today, we’ll talk about the essential ingredients of the first five pages (or the first page or two of a short story), as most agents and acquiring editors—and readers—will stop reading by the fifth page, or sooner, if the story and characters don’t grab them by then. 

In February 2011, I attended a workshop by literary agent Kristin Nelson at the San Miguel Writers’ Conference, in which she had attendees anonymously submit the first two pages of their novel. She started reading the submissions and stopped at the spot where she lost interest. In many instances it was after the first or second paragraph! Sometimes she made it almost to the end of the first page, and in one case, even halfway through the second page. Then she told us why that manuscript, as written, would be rejected. (Not a single one of those made it.)  

In a follow-up article in Writer’s Digest (Oct. 2011), Kristen gives four examples of submissions and where and why she stopped reading three of them (all on the first page): “too much dialogue,” “overuse of description,” and “lack of tension.” In her workshop, “lack of clear protagonist,” “unsympathetic protagonist,” “boring” and “confusing” were other reasons given.  

After Ms. Nelson's workshop, I heard a lot of “If she’d only read a little further, she would have seen that…” or “That wasn’t fair. She didn’t give me a chance. How can she judge a manuscript by only reading one page?” Unfortunately, agents get tens of thousands of submissions a year, and if you don’t grab them within the first page or two, the sad reality is that your book will probably be rejected. And of course, as readers, most of us will read the back cover and maybe the first page, then decide based on that whether to buy the book or not. And even when I’ve paid money for a book, if it doesn’t grab me by about page ten, I’ll discard it. 

One of the main reasons agents, acquiring editors and readers will reject a book after reading the first few pages is that they’re confused. They need to get a picture right away about whose story it is, why we should care about that person, and roughly where and when the story is taking place. Once readers have a handle on the main character and the setting, they can relax and settle into the story world. Of course, you also have to spark their interest with a problem early on—put your protagonist in some hot water with an inciting incident, so the reader can sympathize with them and start rooting for them. 

Whose story is it? 

It’s important to start out the novel in the viewpoint of your protagonist, as the first person the readers read about is the person they start identifying with, and they’ll feel cheated if suddenly, after they’ve invested some time and effort into getting to know this person and bonding a bit with him, he suddenly turns out to be not someone they should be rooting for at all, but in fact the antagonist, whom they’re supposed to be hating, or worse yet, a minor character or someone who gets killed off a little while later. 

As Steve Berry, bestselling author and sought-after writing workshop leader, told a packed room of eager aspiring writers at Craftfest, part of Thrillerfest 2011 in New York, “Always start your book in the point of view of your protagonist.” I think this is excellent advice, as the readers—not to mention agents and acquiring editors—want to know right away whose story it is, who to start bonding with and cheering for. 

Here are the first questions your readers will be asking: 

Why should I care about this character, anyway?

Readers aren’t going to invest time reading a story about a character they don’t like or can’t identify with, so make sure your protagonist is likeable and sympathetic, to draw the readers in to identify with him or her. And make them well-rounded and complex, with hopes and fears, strengths and weaknesses, and inner conflict. And of course have them confronted with a problem—an inciting incident—within the first few pages, as conflict is what drives fiction forward. A perfect character with an ideal life is both annoying and boring—not a formula for compelling fiction! 

Where and when is the action taking place?

Without drowning us in long descriptive passages right at the beginning, give the readers a few hints very early on—definitely on the first page—of the setting of your story: Contemporary? Past? Future? Country/Culture? Urban/rural/wilderness? Which city or town? And so on. Don’t confuse and frustrate your readers by making them wonder where on earth all this is happening, and whether it’s in the present or some other time. 

Why should I read this story?

Show your stuff in your first five pages or so. Draw the reader (or agent or editor) in with a great first scene, well-written, with interesting, complex characters, some intriguing action, and compelling, natural-sounding dialogue. Include your inciting incident and initial conflict, and hint at greater problems to come. Introduce or hint at a worthy adversary—a cunning villain or attractive but maddening/annoying possible love interest. And write your first pages in the same tone, style and voice you’ll be using for your novel, so the readers will have a good idea of what they’ll be getting into. And of course, continue in this same tone (suspenseful, humorous, serious, romantic, etc.) for the rest of the novel, so the reader won’t feel cheated or misled. 

But don’t get bogged down trying to perfect your opening pages in the early stages – wait until you’ve got all or most of your first draft written. By then, you’ll be “in the groove” and you’ll know your character and his/her problems a lot better, as well as the resolution, so this part will flow so much more easily.

Jodie Renner has published two books to date in her series, An Editor’s Guide to Writing Compelling Fiction: Writing a Killer Thriller and Fire up Your Fiction (Style That Sizzles & Pacing for Power), which has won two book awards so far. Look for her third book in the series, out soon. For more info, please visit Jodie’s author website or editor website, her blogs, The Kill Zone, Resources for Writers, and Crime Fiction Collective, or find her on Facebook, Twitter, and Google+. And sign up for her newsletter.

 
 

Critique of First Page - Western

by Jodie Renner, freelance editor and craft-of-fiction writer

So far in this series of critiques of the first page of a novel or short story, I've introduced the series, then critiqued the first page of a mainstream novel, historical fiction, and a historical thriller. Today's first page is from a western novel.

I recently presented a workshop on writing compelling first pages to a writers' group, and afterward, volunteers read their first page aloud and we discussed their strengths and also ways in which they could set the scene better and be more engaging and intriguing, to hook readers in right away.

This one, the beginning of a western, is obviously well-written, but could have been much more gripping right from the first paragraphs. The author, GK Parker, has given me permission to use it and their name in today's blog.

Here's the original:

Trip Forrester studied the bank of heavy clouds collecting over the distant peaks of the Wyoming Cinnabar mountain range. Winter was coming. And it would be nothing like what passed for winter in Alabama. Overhead, the sky transformed from pink to soft shades of deepening purple and red as the sun slipped behind the mountains, stealing the day with it. A cool breeze sprang up, whispering through the branches of several nearby Ponderosa pines. In the buckboard traces Wilson, his ten-year-old gelding, shifted, his harness jingling. He stamped one foot impatiently. 

"Yep, me too," Trip said. He slapped the leather reins and they made their way down the valley to Snake Creek ranch. The crumpled letter rustled in his pocket. He ignored the temptation to throw it away just like he'd resisted the urge to punch the post office clerk who handed him the letter that had arrived five days earlier. Not that the pock-faced kid had really done anything to deserve it, but he was in front of Trip when he opened the letter and read the Mr. Forrester line. 

The small homestead he had put up with his partner, Marty Helms, stood in deepening shadows. Coming around the last copse of trees lining the dirt lane he caught sight of the small cabin. A light glowed through the single window of wavy glass Trip had bought from Otto Gramm's in Laramie at great expense. So, Marty was back from his hunting trip. 

He pulled into the yard, stopping on the apron of raw earth near the front steps to the porch. The wagon creaked when he set the brake, jumped down where he unhitched and led Wilson to the small paddock. Blue Dog, the roan he had won in a poker game last fall, hung his dark head over the top rail and nickered at them. Cactus, Marty's mustang, joined in.

With Marty home, maybe they could get the drift fence finished this week after all. He glanced toward the wood piled beside the newly finished barn. It was ready, now it only needed two men willing to put their butts to work and keep them there until the job was done.

The three geldings nickered back and forth while Trip unharnessed Wilson. He slapped the gelding's broad rump to get him moving through the gate. He checked the water and feed trough and found Marty had already taken care of both. Using his calfskin gloves, he wiped the dust and sweat off Wilson's back. Gate latched behind him, Trip carried the harness to the barn, sidestepping Nonny, Marty's milk goat, on the way out. Striding toward the cabin, he tried not to think of the letter scorching a hole in his pocket. He had ridden thirty-one miles to Laramie to meet the train carrying his potential bride only to be handed her letter instead." 

Jodie: I felt that, although quite lyrical and nicely written, to hook in today's busy and often impatient readers, this opening needs a lot more tension, conflict, and intrigue. Also, to bring the character alive and make us identify with him and start worrying about him, we need to see his emotions and reactions more. And it would be more dynamic to have him interacting with someone else, preferably someone with an opposing agenda, rather than alone, thinking. There's way too much description and not enough action and interaction and reaction. Also, I wasn't sure whether it was a historical western or a modern western, so it would be good to clarify the time period.

The author emailed me a second version, which was much improved, but I offered a few more tips. then they came up with this final version, which is much more gripping and engaging, I think, and really makes me want to read on and find out more about this character and what happens to him. 

Here's the second rewrite:

October 6, 1874 

Trip Forrester's fingers fumbled as he struggled to get the ivory buttons through the button holes. Even before the top one closed, the starched collar of his white shirt was chafing his neck. It would be raw before he reached town. He pulled on the blue silk vest and got the bolo tie in place and pushed the discomfort aside. He'd wanted this. 

Once he'd figured the only way he was going to get a wife was to advertise for one. He'd started all this with his post to the eastern papers before Christmas last year.

No time to get spooky. The girl come all this way to marry you.

He stared down at the brand spanking new boots that hurt and made him feel like a dandified Eastern dude. The bowler hat just looked ridiculous.

"Yer barkin' at a frog," he muttered, running calloused fingers under the stiff collar. "She's gonna come."

So why were his hands shaking? 

He pulled his duster on to keep his fancy clothes looking good. His gaze kept darting toward the door; he was gonna be late if he kept this primping up. 

"Never had to look this good for no damn cayuse."

Sweat dripped down his brow, stinging the raw flesh of his neck. He strode out into the sun-bleached yard. It hadn't rained in weeks, the road to Laramie would be bone dry. He'd be able to make the trip in three hours. The Union Pacific was due in at twelve-ten. He pulled out his pocket-watch. Nine-twenty. 

Pulling Roach, his ten-year-old gelding out of the paddock he put him to the buckboard. It was nearly twenty minutes before he guided the wagon off Snake Creek ranch.

[...] (Left out two short paragraphs in here that slow the momentum a bit and could be condensed or deleted.)

The steady clop-clop of Roach's shod hooves mesmerized him, messing up his sense of time but not his growing apprehension. Late. What kind of man was late for his own wedding? Butterflies, or something a whole lot bigger, thrashed around in his stomach. The road into Laramie was a flat stretch of dusty clay, pot-marked by much heavier traffic than what was near Snake Creek ranch. He trotted the last mile, passing a wagon carrying newly cut logs and a few riders out on business. One group led a half a dozen young horses down the side of the road. Mustangs. The canyons around here were full of them, ripe for the picking.

With the arrival of Union Pacific a few years ago the town was exploding. Too much so for Trip's taste but it meant a steady market for the stock he planned to bring in next year.

In the distance he heard the train whistle.

He didn't have time to stable Roach and left him in front of the terminal amid a cluster of other carriages and buckboards. Climbing down, Trip found himself hanging back, one hand on Roach's collar. He sucked in several deep breaths of air that smelled like burnt sand. 

The low, red brick two-story building loomed at the east end of town. As crowds streamed past him, he straightened, smoothing his hands over his hair, hoping the grease he had put on it was holding the normally curly mess in place. His newly shaved cheeks left him feeling naked and he knew he stood out like a peacock in a pen full of chickens.

"Big day, isn't it?" Ross Parker, the druggist slapped him on the back. "Bet this day's been a long time coming."

"Yeah," he said. "A long time."

I think these first two pages bring the scene and character to life much more vividly than the original. If I were working with this author I would probably still have a few more small suggestions here and there, but I think this opening has come a long way! It definitely hooked me in!

Feel free to submit the first page of your novel or short story (maximum 400 words) to j.renner.editing(at)hotmail(dot)com. I'll be glad to add it to the ones I've already received to critique here anonymously.

Jodie Renner, a freelance fiction editor specializing in thrillers and other fast-paced fiction, has published two books to date in her series, An Editor’s Guide to Writing Compelling Fiction: WRITING A KILLER THRILLER and STYLE THAT SIZZLES & PACING FOR POWER (Silver Medalist in the FAPA Book Awards, 2013). Both titles are available in e-book and paperback. For more info, please visit Jodie’s author website or editor website, or find her on Facebook or Twitter.

To subscribe to Jodie’s Resources for Writers newsletter (published about 4-10 times a year), please click on this link: http://eepurl.com/C9dKD

Critique of First Page - Historical Fiction

by Jodie Renner, editor & author, @JodieRennerEd

Today I'm continuing my new Wednesday feature, where I critique all or part of the first page of a novel, anonymously. Click here to read my first critique, of the beginning of a different novel.

Red indicates comments by me and any words I have added, which would normally be in the margin, not interrupting the text as it is here, but unfortunately, I'm unable to reproduce that aspect of my Track Changes here.

If you'd like me to critique the first page of your novel or short story, please send the first 400-500 words to me at j.renner.editing(at)hotmail(dot)com, and I'll critique the first 150-300 words here. If you have a prologue, don't send that - send the beginning of Chapter 1 instead. Also, tell me the genre and a sentence or two about the story and main character. Thanks.

I chose this first page for today because it interested me and made me want to read more. But I could also see lots of ways to make it more compelling and intriguing, to hook more readers in and get them engaged right from the start.

I've changed the name of the character and the city, for greater anonymity.

Here's the original version first, with my suggestions in red in the version just below it.

Bonnie walked the noisy, dusty streets of Boston. The fishing ships were coming in for the evening as she passed near the docks. There looked to be another steamer in from Ireland as well. The smell of the city was always mixed, some wonderful aroma from a fire or a bakery... and something awful, rotting. Fish. Always, the smell of fish. She had to go a good ways inland to escape that smell. But tonight, she headed to work.  

She kept a close eye out. She had gotten in some trouble recently, but she had no idea if she was being pursued. Could be, no one knew. Or it could be she was a walking target. There was no way to know, but it had been two weeks now, since the incident, and no problems yet. She could never let her guard down- but that sort of survival was a strain on her.  

She hoped for a time that wasn’t so hard. In fact, she was planning on it. But her face gave a cynical slight grin, as she thought of it- her life had never followed the plans she laid out. If it had, she certainly wouldn’t be where she was now. She would have to work her way out.

 

Same three paragraphs, but with Jodie's suggestions in red:

Bonnie walked [Try to use a more specific, interesting synonym for “walked,” like “trudged” or “strode along” or "hurried along” or “strolled” or “raced through” or something that more accurately conveys her mood and how she’s moving.] the noisy, dusty streets of Boston. As she passed near the docks, she noticed the fishing ships were coming in for the evening. as she passed near the docks. There looked to be another steamer in from Ireland as well. The smell of the city was always mixed, some wonderful aroma from a fire or a bakery... and something awful, rotting. Fish. [Maybe “Like fish,” as there were other things rotting then, too.] Always, the smell of fish. She had to go a good ways inland to escape that smell. But tonight, she headed to work. [Try to add some urgency and tension here. Is she hurrying? Is she late for work? Is she worried about something at work? Also, what does she do? What’s her job? And how does she feel about it? Is she eager to go to work? Or does she hate her job?]

Tension and conflict are what drive fiction forward, and you especially need tension and intrigue in your first paragraphs and first page.

Also, since you mentioned this is historical fiction, I’d offer more indications of that right away, so the readers realize immediately that this story takes place in the past, and roughly how long ago – what period? For example, what kinds of vehicles or modes of transportation are passing her? Horses and buggies? Or...? Also, how is she dressed? How are people around her dressed? What are they doing? (Don’t get carried away in a great long descriptive passage, but add just enough telling detail to bring the scene to life and show the era.)

She kept a close eye out. [Try to add more tension to this sentence. Show her nervousness.] She had gotten in some trouble [kind of vague – can you be more specific?] recently, but she had no idea if she was being pursued. Could be, no one knew. [I’d take this sentence out, as it doesn’t really add anything more than we’ve found out from the previous sentence.] Or it could be she was a walking target. [Try to rephrase this in a more urgent, direct way, from inside her head, with more of her worries and fears apparent. Maybe something like, “She glanced around as she hurried along. Was she being followed? She felt like a walking target.”] There was no way to know [this is repetitive], but it had been two weeks now since the incident [can you give us some more hints, to add to the intrigue?], and no problems yet. [maybe rephrase this to show her worry more, like "and every day she expected to pay...." or whatever.] She could never let her guard down- but that sort of survival was a strain on her. [Try to rephrase this in a more direct way, showing her emotions and physical feelings/sensations. In other words, show, don’t tell.]

She hoped [“longed”?] for a time [maybe “future” or “life”] that wasn’t so hard. [This is a bit vague. Can you maybe add something specific here?] In fact, she was planning on it. [Can leave this out.] But her face gave a cynical slight grin [We’re inside Bonnie’s head, in her point of view, and she can’t see her face, nor is she thinking about the expression on her face, so this is a POV gaffe / violation. Show only what she is perceiving – seeing, hearing, feeling, thinking about, etc.] as she thought of it—her life had never followed the plans she laid out. If it had, she certainly wouldn’t be where she was now. She would have to work her way out. [Try to state this in a more urgent way, with more tension. How is she feeling? Overwhelmed? Discouraged? Worried? Exhausted? Determined? The more tension, the better, as a happy character is a boring character, and readers have no reason to read on or root for her.]

General comments from Jodie: I find this first page interesting, and definitely want to read more! But please show me more of Bonnie’s inner thoughts and emotions, with lots of tension! You want readers to identify with Bonnie right away and start bonding with her and rooting for her. In order for readers to become emotionally engaged with Bonnie and start caring about her plight, they need to feel what she’s feeling. So show us Bonnie’s thoughts, fears, hopes, worries, and other emotions, as well as her physical feelings, as much as possible in the first paragraphs and pages. Also, try to bring the scene more to life on the page by appealing to most of the five senses. What is she seeing? Hearing? Smelling? (that one's covered quite well). Also, is she hot or cold? Is it summertime? Any other tactile sensations or even tastes? And of course, her reactions to all this sensory barrage as she hurries to work.

Thanks for submitting this first page for a critique! I hope you find my comments and suggestions helpful. Who's up next?

Or, if you're tired of waiting for your first page to be critiqued here or you prefer to see the results in private, please contact me about critiquing your first page for $12. (PayPal takes $2, so that leaves me with $10.) Thanks! Alternatively, if you write a positive review on Amazon for one of my books below (please read the book first!), I'll put your name in a much smaller draw, so your chance of getting a free critique of your first page will be about 50%.

Jodie Renner, freelance fiction editor
www.JodieRennerEditing.com; www.CobaltBooks.net
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Twitter: @JodieRennerEd

Jodie Renner is a freelance fiction editor who specializes in thrillers, mysteries, and other fast-paced fiction. For more info on Jodie’s editing services, please visit her editing website.

Jodie has published two books to date in her series, An Editor’s Guide to Writing Compelling Fiction: Writing and Killer Thriller, a short e-book, and Style That Sizzles & Pacing for Power, which is available in paperback, as an e-book on Kindle, and in other e-book formats. And you don’t need to own an e-reader to purchase and enjoy e-books. You can download them to your computer, tablet, or smartphone.

For more info on Jodie's books and workshops, please visit her author website.