A Single Word Can Change the Tone

by Jodie Renner, editor & author  

In your WIP, are you inadvertently tossing in a word here and there that jolts the readers out of your story or gives an incongruous impression?

Once you’ve completed a first or second draft of your story (or your muse is taking a break), now’s the time to go back and reread each scene carefully. Does every word you’ve chosen contribute to creating the overall tone and mood you’re going for in that scene? Or are some of your word choices unintentionally detracting from the impression you want readers to take away?

Is it possible you may have unconsciously inserted the odd “cheery” word into a tense scene in your story? Or a relaxed-sounding word in a scene where the character is stressed or in a hurry? Or maybe your teenager or blue-collar worker sounds too articulate? I’ve seen examples of these quite often in the fiction I’ve edited over the years.

For example, the heroine and hero are running through the woods, pursued by bad guys intent on killing them. The debut author, thinking it’s a good idea to describe the setting, uses words like “leaves dancing in the light” and “birds chirping” and “babbling brook.” These light-hearted, cheerful words detract from the desperation she’s trying to convey as the young couple races frantically to escape their pursuers. In this situation, it would be better to use more ominous words, perhaps crows cawing, a wolf howling, water crashing over rapids, or thunder cracking.

Read through each of your scenes and make sure every word you use to describe the setting, the people, and their actions, words, and thoughts contributes to create the impression you’re going for in that scene, rather than undermining your intentions.

DESCRIBING YOUR SETTING:

Here’s an example, slightly disguised, from my editing. It’s supposed to be a tense, scary moment, but the author has, without thinking about the impact, inserted relaxed, even joyful imagery that counteracts and weakens the apprehensive mood he is trying to convey (my bolding).

He locked the door behind him, his harried mind ricocheting between frightened alertness and sheer fatigue. He took a furtive glance out the window. No one there, so far. Despite the cold, a warming shaft of morning sunlight filtered through the stained curtain, and languid dust particles slow-danced in its beam.

What had he gotten himself into? They would certainly be on to him now—it was only a matter of time before they found him. He looked out again through the thin curtain. Sunbeams were filtering through the branches of an old tree outside the window, the shriveled shapes of the leaves dancing in the breeze, playing gleefully with the light. He swore he saw movement on the ground outside—a figure.

Some of the wording in the two paragraphs above is excellent, like “his harried mind ricocheting between frightened alertness and sheer fatigue” and the phrases “furtive glance,” “stained curtain” and “shriveled shapes of the leaves.” But the boldfaced words and phrases, warming, languid, slow-danced, sunbeams, dancing in the breeze, and playing gleefully with the light weaken the imagery and tone because they’re too happy and carefree for the intended ominous mood. Perhaps the writer, caught up in describing the view outside in a literary, “writerly” way, momentarily forgot he was going for frightened.  

Check to be sure every detail of your imagery enhances the overall mood and tone of the situation.

Here’s another example where the description of the setting detracts from the power of the scene and doesn’t match how the character would or should be feeling at that moment.

The protagonist has just had a shock at the end of the last chapter, where she’s discovered her colleague murdered. This is the beginning of the next chapter, a jump of a few days.

  Mary gazed at the brightening horizon, immersing herself in the beauty of the rising sun. She watched as the dawn’s rays danced across the waves. Mary adored this time of day when the hustle and bustle had not yet started, and she could enjoy watching the waves wash in and listening to the seagulls overhead. It was one of the many reasons she loved this area so much.

  Since the murder of Teresa three days ago, Mary had been in a state of turmoil. Teresa’s death had changed everything. Gruesome images continually flickered through her mind like an unending motion picture. She could think of nothing else and was racked by guilt.

 To me, the two paragraphs seem contradictory in mood. If she’s racked by guilt and can think of nothing else, how can she enjoy the sunrise so much?

Be sure to choose words that fit the mood you’re trying to convey.

 THOUGHTS, IMPRESSIONS, & IMAGERY:

Here’s another example of a tense, life-threatening scene whose power and tension have been inadvertently eroded by almost comical imagery.

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To read the rest of this blog post by Jodie Renner, published over at The Kill Zone Blog, click HERE.

Jodie Renner is a freelance fiction editor and the award-winning author of three craft-of-writing guides in her series An Editor’s Guide to Writing Compelling Fiction: FIRE UP YOUR FICTION,  CAPTIVATE YOUR READERS, and WRITING A KILLER THRILLER, as well as two clickable time-saving e-resources, QUICK CLICKS: Spelling List and QUICK CLICKS: Word Usage. She has also organized two anthologies for charity: VOICES FROM THE VALLEYS – Stories and Poems about Life in BC’s Interior, and CHILDHOOD REGAINED – Stories of Hope for Asian Child Workers. You can find Jodie on her Amazon Author Page, at www.JodieRenner.com, and on Facebook. 

Tone and Mood – Choose Your Words Carefully

by Jodie Renner, freelance editor

To bring your characters and scenes to life in a way readers can relate to, it’s critical to choose just the right nuance of meaning to fit the character, action and situation. And for help in zeroing in on the very best word to convey the tone and mood you’re after, it’s a good idea to use both a thesaurus and a dictionary (either online or print).

Verbs are especially important, as there are so many variations in the way someone can move or speak or eat or whatever, depending on their personality, mood, age, gender, size, weight, background, health, fitness level, and of course the circumstances. So it’s worth the effort to find just the right verb that nails the action and makes sense in the context of the scene. A verb that doesn’t quite fit can be jarring and turn a reader off, whereas finding a stronger, more specific verb can really strengthen a scene and resonate with the reader.

For example, here are just some of the many synonyms for the verb “run”: amble, barrel, bolt, bustle, dart, dash, escape, flee, hasten, hotfoot, hurry, hustle, jog, light out, make a break, make off, make tracks, pace, race, rush, scamper, scoot, scramble, scurry, skedaddle, skip, speed, sprint, take flight, take off, tear, tear out, travel, trot.

Obviously, if you’ve got someone running for their life, you wouldn’t use such light-hearted synonyms as “scamper” or “scoot” or “skip” or “trot” or “amble” or “skedaddle.”

And it’s also important to consider the overall voice of the scene and the inner thoughts of the viewpoint character. Are they the kind of person who would use “skedaddle” or “hotfoot it” in their personal vocabulary?

Here are some examples from my fiction editing of verbs that didn’t quite fit the situation. I’ve changed the names and altered the circumstances to protect the confidentiality of my clients. The comments after each example are from my notes in the margin of the manuscript.

A high-ranking Nazi officer is about to invade the home of a wealthy Jewish family during the Second World War. The author wrote:

“He giggled inwardly, thinking about the chaos he was about to bring to the Jews who lived here.”

My comment to the writer was:  The verb “giggled” fits a couple of schoolgirls, not a nasty Nazi. I suggest “smirked” or “gloated.”

Or, from another novel I edited:

“Joe stood up, shocked and numb, after his boss delivered the tragic news about the death of his friend. He dreaded his visit to Paul’s widow. He sauntered back to his office, his mind spinning.” 

Jodie’s comment: “sauntered” is way too relaxed and casual a word for the situation. The guy’s just been told his friend is dead. Maybe just “walked” or “went” or “trudged” or “dragged his feet” or “found his way” or even “stumbled” back to his office.

And another novel I edited years ago had military personnel repeatedly “strutting” across the room, compound or base, when the author meant “striding,” as in “he strode across the barracks,” instead of, as he had it, “he strutted across the barracks.” According to Merriam Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, “strut” means “to walk with a pompous and affected air,” or “to parade or show off.”

Similarly, don’t have healthy, active people “shuffling,” even for measured or slow walking, as “he shuffled over to the table” implies the movement of an old, ill, drugged, or exhausted person. Merriam-Webster describes shuffle as “to move the feet by sliding along without lifting the feet” or “to perform with a dragging, sliding step.”

And don’t use casual, relaxed language in a stressful situation. Choose words that reflect the urgency, tension and conflict.

Before: “David’s cell phone rang. It was his wife Carole, who was three blocks away in her office, babbling hysterically. He yelled for his colleague Todd, grabbed his jacket and headed for the elevator. When they got to street level, David jogged towards Carole’s office building. Todd ran comfortably by his side. When they got there, he found the area crawling with police.”

Jodie’s comment: Best to not use words like “comfortably” at a time of stress. Choose words that fit the mood and tone of the moment better. Even “jogging” could be replaced with a word that indicates more urgency.

One possibility: “When they got to street level, David took off running towards Carole’s office building. Todd raced to catch up.”

Also, there are a lot of nuances for showing a character looking at someone or something. The verbs “glare,” “glance,” “scan,” “peer,” “study,” and “gaze” have quite different meanings, for example.

“Brock glared at the intruder with the gun, eyes wide with fear. He shifted his stare to Gord, mouthing, ‘Help’.”

Jodie’s comment: “glared” doesn’t go with “eyes wide with fear.” Glared is for anger. Maybe “stared” here? And “shifted his gaze”? Or maybe: “Brock’s eyes widened with fear at the intruder with the gun. He shifted his gaze to Gord, mouthing, ‘Help’.”

Similarly,

“At the funeral, the widow caught Peter’s glance and squinted her eyes in accusation. She no doubt held him responsible for her husband’s death.”

Jodie’s comment: “squinted” is like against the bright sun. I’d say “narrowed her eyes” or “glared at him.”

Also, for maximum power, in most cases it’s best to choose the active form of verbs, like “chased” rather than “was chasing.”

If you haven't already, it's a good idea to start a new Word file and call it “Thesaurus” or “Synonyms,” then make lists for the verbs you use most in your writing, like walk, move, look, run, eat, drink, etc. That way you can quickly find lots of variations and try them on for size. It's definitely worth the bit of extra effort to capture just the right word for the situation.

See also my companion article, “TheThesaurus is Your Friend – Really!” over at Crime Fiction Collective.

Copyright © Jodie Renner, August 2012

Jodie Renner, a freelance fiction editor specializing in thrillers and other fast-paced fiction, has published two books to date in her series, An Editor’s Guide to Writing Compelling Fiction: WRITING A KILLER THRILLER and STYLE THAT SIZZLES & PACING FOR POWER (Silver Medalist in the FAPA Book Awards, 2013). Both titles are available in e-book and paperback. For more info, please visit Jodie’s author website or editor website, or find her on Facebook or Twitter.