Greater Fort Worth Writers recently contacted me about critiquing the opening pages of a fiction manuscript and posting it on their blog, As We Were Saying.
I use Track Changes for my editing, but I thought that might be confusing for the readers, so I used comments in brackets within the document for this.
Here's the beginning, and a link to the rest:
Editor Jodie Renner returns to
critique another first five pages of a GFW Writer member's work-in-progress.
Jodie is a freelance editor specializing in thrillers, mysteries, romantic
suspense and other crime fiction, as well as YA and historical fiction. The
author of the piece below has graciously allowed us to post the critique, but
will remain anonymous.
“Who
the hell does he think he is?!!” Charlotte Bellagio brooded as
she considered the
hurt that filled her heart. [A bit of a
confusing beginning. Who is she mad at, and why? Also, can leave out “as she
considered the hurt that filled her heart” and leave it at
“brooded.”]
She
willed a smile to her face as she nodded at her
table companions [who is she sitting with?]
where they who had all gathered for this much anticipated
event. Most of her breakfast went untouched;, but if her
tablemates noticed her mood they didn’t acknowledge it. She kept her heart
hidden and the other guests didn’t pay much attention to her anyway. [Why not?]
Charlotte’s fellow convention guests were not aware of
[We’re in Charlotte’s point of view here and she
doesn’t really know if the others are aware of her feelings or not. Don’t jump
into other people’s heads – that’s called head-hopping] the tumult inside
her as they
waited for the TV show host to make his appearance. Even so she made an effort
to relax her shoulders and took a deep breath. [Too
many “as” phrases above and below (highlighted). Best to vary sentence
structure.]
“That’s good,” she thought as her muscles began to
relax. [What’s good? And why are her muscles relaxing
now? Best not to have her relax now as nothing has really happened to make her
relax, and it’s good to maintain tension. Tension and conflict are what drive
fiction forward and keep readers turning the
pages.]
To read the rest of this critique, click HERE.
Jodie Renner is a freelance editor specializing in thrillers, romantic suspense, mysteries, and other crime fiction. Please check out Jodie’s website and blog, as well as her group blog, Crime Fiction Collective.
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Both are on sale at Amazon, and you don’t need to own a Kindle to buy and read Kindle e-books – you can download them to your PC, Mac, tablet or smartphone. Style that Sizzles will be out in paperback soon.
Jodie Renner, a freelance fiction editor
specializing in thrillers and other fast-paced fiction, has published two books
to date in her series, An Editor’s Guide to Writing Compelling Fiction: WRITING
A KILLER THRILLER and STYLE
THAT SIZZLES & PACING FOR POWER (Silver Medalist in the FAPA Book
Awards, 2013). 
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