Some Dialogue Don’ts

by Jodie Renner, editor & author

The dialogue in your fiction is critical. It can make or break a story.

When evaluating a novel or short story, dialogue is one of the first things agents and contest judges look at. And clunky dialogue is also an instant turnoff for readers. 

It's critical to make your fictional conversations sound natural and authentic, like those people would actually speak, instead of in complete, grammatically correct sentences, but beware of too closely imitating actual conversation.

Real-life conversation is no excuse for confusing, irritating, distracting, offensive, or boring dialogue coming out of your fiction characters’ mouths.

For example, beware of frustrating or annoying your readers by trying to reproduce regional dialects exactly as they sound.

Also, be cautious about using the very latest slang expressions, which could backfire on you and end up dating your story within a year or two. That would not be cool! (Pun intended.)

And overloading dialogue with in-your-face profanities can lose you readers.

And finally, please leave out all that boring yadda-yadda, blah-blah, filler stuff!

Don’t mangle characters’ speech.

Don’t make the mistake of trying to reproduce regional speech patterns phonetically. As Jack Bickham says, “There was a time, not so long ago, when fiction writers strove for authenticity in some of their stories by attempting to imitate regional and ethnic dialects and pronunciations by purposely misspelling words in their dialogue. Today such practices have fallen into disfavor.”

Why? Because it’s distracting and irritating. Not only that, it runs the risk of obscuring your intended meaning. All of which will result in taking your reader out of your story – the exact opposite effect you’re going for. Also, you could easily end up offending people from that region if you depict their everyday casual language as a kind of inferior, laughable sublanguage.

Here’s an example of what I mean, from an older story about slaves and the Civil War. The passage was narrated by a slave:

“So dey jump on dey horses and gallop ’way. An’ we ain’t see’d dem since. Dey friends say dey be kilt in one o’ de firs’ battles o’ de war. Dat be good lesson fo’ we, shure ‘nuf! Black folk ain’t gonna go off ta fight in a war. Life be tuff enuf here wid’ Massa an’ his whip, widout uder buckra be shootin’ at de menfolk an’ killin’ ‘em dead.”

And it went on like that for pages! Ouch!

So these days, phonetic spelling, misspelling words to show different pronunciations, the overuse of apostrophes to indicate missing letters (unpronounced sounds), and other deviations from standard North American speech are frowned upon by most editors, agents, and discerning readers, and may earn a rejection for your otherwise compelling story.

An occasional elision (dropped sound, indicated by an apostrophe) and plenty of regular contractions, with the odd regional word or expression thrown in, is usually enough to get your regional flavor across to your readers.

Don’t try to keep up with the very latest slang expressions.

Many new authors try to appeal to their audience by using the latest slang expressions, especially in YA fiction. This is usually a mistake. The language is changing so fast, especially fad expressions, that what’s trendy or “in” today may be already dated by the time your short story or novel sees the light of day. The moral? Be careful with using cutting-edge street talk or just-coined slang expressions. It’s usually best to stick to slang expressions that have been around for at least a few years.

Don’t overdo the profanities.

Another area where beginning writers mess up is in replicating every F-word in real life on their page, leaving many readers wincing. Profanities and obscenities can often slide by in real life, depending on the situation, but they usually jump out at us on the printed page, so use them judiciously, to get the general flavor, rather than on every line.

As Jack Bickham says, “Dirty talk often looks dirtier on the page than it actually is.” So save the worst of your swear words for those story situations where a strong curse word is really needed to convey the emotion.Also, consider your genre. Readers of cozy mysteries, for example, are mostly women aged 60 and up, so best to use less graphic language in those stories. The odd “Damn!” or “Crap!” or "sheesh" or "jeez" or “friggin/frickin'” will usually suffice. Or “He told them to eff off” or something like “He let loose a string of profanities.”

Don’t reproduce actual conversations verbatim.

By this I mean all the uhs and ums and ers and you knows and How are you? I’m fine, and you? Not to mention introducing people, chitchat about the weather, and other empty social niceties that lead up to (or follow) the real meat of the conversation. That’s a sure-fire recipe for putting your readers to sleep! And they won’t be eager to pick up your book again when they wake up.

As Ingermanson and Economy say, “Dialogue is war!” You need tension on every page, including in your dialogue. So if it doesn’t drive the story forward, add conflict or tension, or contribute to character development, take it out.

So, oddball spelling, attempts at reproducing regional dialects phonetically, and heavy use of profanities all risk offending someone, whether it’s a member of a minority or someone who doesn’t like swearing. And the latest slang expressions may soon appear outdated and ridiculous. And really, empty blah blah is boring, isn’t it? So be wary of reproducing characters’ dialogue exactly as it sounds in real life—it could backfire on you.

What do you think? As a reader, how do you feel about the attempted reproduction of regional dialects in fiction? As a writer, how do you show the accent and expressions of a specific region? And how do you research expressions for a region you’ve never lived in or visited? Also how do you feel about stories peppered with obscenities? Are you okay with it, or do you find yourself wincing inwardly?

For more info on writing dialogue, see my other blog posts, "Amp up That Dialogue!" and "How to Write Dialogue Accurately."

Jodie Renner is a freelance fiction editor and the award-winning author of three writing guides in her series An Editor’s Guide to Writing Compelling Fiction: FIRE UP YOUR FICTION, CAPTIVATE YOUR READERS, and WRITING A KILLER THRILLER, as well as two clickable time-saving e-resources, QUICK CLICKS: Spelling List and QUICK CLICKS: Word Usage. She has also organized and edited two anthologies. Website, Facebook, Amazon Author Page.

How to Write Dialogue Accurately

Dialogue Nuts & Bolts     

by Jodie Renner, editor & author 

In another article, Amp up That Dialogue!, I discuss various techniques for writing dialogue that will come alive on the page. Drop over there for some advice on making your dialogue less stilted and more natural-sounding. Also, check out another post of mine, Some Dialogue Don’ts.

This article just provides a reference for the correct punctuation and capitalization for writing dialogue, as well as some style tips for dialogue tags. Using correct punctuation and form for dialogue will keep your readers from becoming distracted, confused or annoyed, and maintain their focus on your story. So if you want your manuscript to look professional and your story to read smoothly, it’s best to follow these technical guidelines.

THE BASICS:

First of all, start a new paragraph every time the speaker changes. On the other hand, don’t start a new paragraph if it’s still the same speaker, unless you’re doing it for a good reason, like a pause or emphasis.

Punctuation for Dialogue:

1. Put quotation marks around all spoken words.

Although in Britain and Australia, it’s more common to use single quotes around dialogue, in the United States and Canada, the standard is double quotes around dialogue, with single quotes around any quoted words or phrases within the quoted dialogue.

(But don't put quotation marks around thoughts.)

2. In North America, the punctuation always goes inside the end quote, not outside it:

“What’s wrong with you?” he asked.
“Nothing,” she replied.

* If the person is asking a question, the question mark goes inside the quotation mark, and a period goes at the end of the whole sentence. The same goes for exclamations.

“Where were you?” she asked.
“Help!” she screamed.

*Note that in the above examples, even though your word processor wants you to put a capital letter for “she” or “he”, these need to be lowercase, as they don’t start a new sentence.

* If the person speaking is making a statement (or a suggestion or a command), replace the period (which would follow if it weren’t in quotation marks) with a comma. Then put your period at the end of the sentence.

“Let’s go home,” he said.

* If there’s no attribute (he said, she said), put a period inside the closing quotation mark.

“Turn off the TV.”

3. If you start with the dialogue tag, put a comma after it, before your opening quotation mark and the dialogue:

He said, “But my game is on.”

4. If you want to put your dialogue tag in the middle of a sentence, put a comma inside the first set of closing quotation marks, and also after the dialogue tag:

“I can never understand,” she said, “what you see in him.” (Note no capital for the second part.)

5. If one person is speaking and the dialogue goes on for more than one paragraph (definitely not a great idea to have one person speaking at great length), you leave out the closing quotation marks at the end of the first paragraph, but put opening quotation marks at the beginning of the next one. Use closing quotation marks only when that person is finished speaking.

“…no matter what you do.    
“And another thing, don’t ….”

6. To show a person trailing off while they're speaking, just use ellipses (...) with no punctuation after it: “I'm not sure...”

7. To show the speaker being interrupted, use a dash at the end, with no other punctuation after it, before the end quote:

“I saw them yesterd—”

“You saw them? Where?”

8. To show action or a change in demeanor or tone while a person is speaking, you can use dashes, like this: 

“Someday your cockiness is going to get you into trouble, and”—his voice turned huffy—“I won’t be there to rescue you.”

STYLE TIPS

1. Avoid overusing dialogue tags. 

Instead of constantly using he said or she said (or the name and said), replace them often with action beats, which will also help bring the scene alive:

He closed the door very quietly. Too late.
She stood there, hands on hips. “Where’ve you been?”
“Don’t start.” He took off his coat and hung it up.
 

The action immediately before or after the words tells us who’s talking.
Or, if it can be done without confusing the readers, just leave out the dialogue tag or action beat. Context often makes it obvious who’s speaking. 

Note that when you use an action tag instead of he/she said, you use a period at the end of the dialogue, not a comma like you would before “he said".

2. The best dialogue tags are the simple he said and she said 

(or asked), or with the name: John said, Carol said. These simple dialogue tags don’t draw attention to themselves or interrupt the story line, as they’re almost invisible. Avoid fancy or redundant tags like queried, chortled, alleged, proclaimed, conjectured, affirmed, explained, apologized, etc., which can be distracting. 

Don't say “I'm sorry,” she apologized. or “This way,” he explained. Those “explanations” are redundant “telling” and mildly insulting to the reader, who can tell by what they're saying. Just use “said”. Or often, no speech tag is needed. 

But I do suggest using verbs that accurately and quickly describe how the words are delivered, like whispered, shouted, yelled, screamed, or stammered.

3. You can’t use words like laughed or grinned or smiled or grimaced or scowled as dialogue tags.
 

These are both incorrect when using a comma after what they said:
 

X  “Nice outfit,” he smiled.
X  “Thanks, but I can't do a thing with my hair,” she frowned.
 
Why don’t they work? Because smiling is not talking; you can’t “smile” or “grin” or "frown" words, so they're not valid replacements for "said".

Change to:

“Nice outfit,” he said, smiling.

or “Nice outfit.” He smiled. (Note period and capital “He”)

“Thanks, but I can't do a thing with my hair.” She frowned.  (Period and capital for action tag.)

Or “Thanks, but I can't do a thing with my hair,” she said, frowning.

But you can use muttered, whispered, yelled, etc. as direct replacements for said, with the same punctuation and capitalization as said, since you can mutter or whisper or yell words.

4. Use adverbs very sparingly.
 

Definitely avoid:

“I’m sorry,” she said apologetically.
“Come here,” he said imperiously.
“I’m in charge,” she said haughtily.

Instead, make sure the words they’re saying and any actions convey the feelings you wish to express.

 

5. Make sure the dialogue sounds natural, like those people would actually speak in that situation. In general, use casual language and avoid complete, grammatically correct sentences. Also, use contractions, like "I'm" instead of "I am," "you're" instead of "you are," and "we've" instead of "we have".

Slightly off-topic: Do not put quotation marks around thoughts. That’s a topic for another post.

Also, see "Basic Formatting of Your Manuscript -- Formatting 101."

 TWO CURRENT STYLE TRENDS:

1. Contemporary North American fiction seems to avoid the reversed form, “said Carol,” in favor of “Carol said.” The reversed form seems to be more British and also considered kind of archaic, which makes it fine for historical fiction.

2. Most contemporary North American fiction writers, with the notable exception of Lee Child, seem to put most dialogue tags after the words spoken:

“Let’s go,” Tony said.  

Rather than before:  
Tony said, “Let’s go.”

However, if what they're saying is lengthy, readers want to know immediately who's talking, so I would put the “Tony said,” before a long sentence or a paragraph of dialogue.

These last two points are of course just my observations of common usage, not rules. But aspiring or debut authors would do well to stick with what seems to be in favor, to give a contemporary feel to your novel. Of course, if you’re writing historical fiction, go for the older “said Elizabeth” form.

Jodie Renner is a freelance fiction editor and the award-winning author of three craft-of-writing guides in her series An Editor’s Guide to Writing Compelling Fiction: Captivate Your Readers, Fire up Your Fiction, and Writing a Killer Thriller. She has also published two clickable time-saving e-resources to date: Quick Clicks: Spelling List and Quick Clicks: Word Usage. You can find Jodie at www.JodieRenner.com, and on Facebook and Twitter.

Need to Add Info to Your Story? Use lots of attitude!

by Jodie Renner, editor & author   

Strategies for Turning Impersonal Info Dumps into Compelling Copy

As a freelance fiction editor, I find that military personnel, professionals, academics, police officers, journalists, and others who are used to imparting factual information in objective, detached, bias-free ways often need a lot of coaching in loosening up their language and adding opinions, attitude, and emotions to create a captivating story world.

~ Really need those facts in there? Rewrite with attitude!

Say you want to write a fast-paced novel and your background is in a specialized field, so you decide to set your story in that milieu you know so well. Maybe you want to write a legal thriller or a medical suspense, or a mystery involving scientific research or stolen artifacts. Or maybe you’d like to use your military, police, or forensics experience, but your writing experience to date has mainly been confined to producing terse, objective, factual reports.

As you’re writing your story, you decide at various points that you need to interrupt the story to explain something the readers may not understand. And you want to get it right, both to lend credibility to your story and because you’re concerned about criticism from other professionals in your field. Your first impulse might be to copy and paste sections on that topic from a journal or online search, then tweak them a bit. Or just stop to explain the technical points in your own words, factually, as you would in a report or research paper, then go back to your storyline. 

Big mistake. 

You’ve just interrupted an exciting (we hope!) story to give a mini-lecture. Remember that the main purpose of fiction is to entertain your readers with an engaging tale. To do that, it’s critical to stay in the story and in the viewpoint and voice of your compelling, charismatic (we hope!) characters.

~ How to keep your credibility but write with passion and tension

Want to keep your readers turning the pages? Try to turn off possible reactions of colleagues in your field and remind yourself that your goal here is to entertain a broad spectrum of the population with a riveting story. So limit your factual, informative details to only what is necessary for the plot and present them through the character’s point of view, with lots of tension and attitude. 

Go through the section several times and keep loosening up the words and sentence structure to take out the specialized jargon and nonfiction style and achieve a more casual tone, in the voice of the viewpoint character for that scene – it needs to be the character's thoughts, not the author stepping in. And introduce emotions and reactions – make the character frustrated, angry, confused, or anxious.

And if it still sounds like a university lecture or a journal entry, make your character less reserved, less nerdy, less buried in his work. Give him more charisma and universal appeal, maybe even a bad-boy rebellious side, and add quirks and more attitude.

Better yet, insert another, contrasting character (or two) to the mix to add in some tension, conflict and contrast.

So to impart some specific information while keeping your engaged, try these steps:

1. First, in a separate file, copy or write the bare facts in a paragraph or two – up to a page.

2. Go in and loosen up the language a bit – rewrite it in layman’s language.

3. Choose two interesting characters who each have some kind of stake in this info and are passionate about the topic, but in different ways.

4. Give them both charisma and quirks – and opposite personalities. Maybe make them competitive or distrustful.

5. Give them each their unique voice, based on their personality differences.

6. Give them opposing views on the topic or conflicting goals.

7. Using those facts, create a question-and-answer or argumentative dialogue between the two characters.

8. Add in some character actions, reactions and sensory details.

Now it’s starting to read like fiction!

Remember, most of your readers will be outside your field of specialty, and won’t find those dry factual details as fascinating as you do!

~ A before-and-after example, disguised from my editing:

Here’s how to replace a factual report with a lively dialogue:

Setup: A rebellious, trigger-happy cop has been ordered to be examined by a psychiatrist.

The “info dump” part starts with “Dr. Brown flipped…”

Before:

Dr. Brown opened up Jake’s file. “What happened after you were discharged from the Army?”

“I decided to become a cop. After police academy, I was assigned a beat in the Washington Park area in the South Side of Chicago.”

“The Washington Park area?” Dr. Brown asked. “That’s a pretty rough part of town.”

“Yeah, it reminded me of downtown Baghdad,” Jake quipped.

Dr. Brown flipped a few pages in the file where there was some background on Washington Park. The summary stated the area was only 1.48 square miles but was usually considered either the most dangerous or second most dangerous neighborhood in the United States. In fact, in some years it had seen more than three hundred violent crimes committed on its turf. Crimes such as murder, robbery, drug-dealing, assaults, prostitution, and rape were committed regularly in Washington Park.

After:

Here, the author has replaced the above factual paragraph with a dialogue.

Dr. Brown opened up Jake’s file. “What happened after you were discharged from the Army?”

“I decided to become a cop. After police academy, I was assigned a beat in Washington Park in South Chicago.”

“Washington Park?” Dr. Brown asked. “That’s a pretty rough area, I hear.”

“Yeah, it reminded me of downtown Baghdad,” Jake quipped.

“How so?”

“The area is tiny, barely one and a half square miles, but it’s infested with crime. Some years you get more than three hundred violent crimes there.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, murder, drug-dealing, robbery, assaults, prostitution, rape—you name it, they’re all run-of-the-mill activities in that area. Stress city, man—I made my bones there.”

~ How the experts do it – with attitude!

Here are some excerpts from a scene in a crime lab, as an excellent example of how a bestselling thriller author, Robert Crais, reveals the details of the fingerprinting process in The Last Detective, without interrupting the story to fill in the reader as an author aside:

[…] The white smear was aluminum powder. The brown stains were a chemical called ninhydrin, which reacts with the amino acids left whenever you touch something.

Starkey bent for a closer inspection, then frowned at Chen as if he was stupid.

“This thing’s been in the sun for days. It’s too old to pick up latents with powder.”

“It’s also the fastest way to get an image into the system. I figured it was worth the shot.”

Starkey grunted. She was okay with whatever might be faster.

“The nin doesn’t look much better.”

“Too much dust, and the sunlight probably broke down the aminos. I was hoping we’d get lucky with that, but I’m gonna have to glue it.”

“Shit. How long?”

I said, “What does that mean, you have to glue it?”

Now Chen looked at me as if I was the one who was stupid. We had a food chain for stupidity going, and I was at the bottom.

“Don’t you know what a fingerprint is?”

Starkey said, “He doesn’t need a lecture. Just glue the damned thing.”

And it goes on like this. Entertaining reading, and we’re learning some interesting stuff at the same time.

And for another good example of how to impart info without boring your readers, here’s how Lynn Sholes and Joe Moore provide some information on a well-known structure in Las Vegas, without sounding like a travelogue or encyclopedia. This is from The Blade, an excellent thriller I edited in late 2012:

Setting: The Strip, Las Vegas

“So the Reverend Hershel Applewhite is a liar,” I said when Kenny returned from accompanying Carl down to the hotel lobby.

I stood at the window staring at the imposing pyramid-shaped Alexandria Hotel in the distance. I’d read somewhere that the forty-two-billion candlepower spotlight at the top of the hotel could be seen from space. The same guy who designed it—I couldn’t remember his name—built similar pyramid hotels with beacons in South Africa and China. Claimed he wanted his lights to be seen from every corner of the world.

Note how the authors give a little background info on the landmark structure without sounding like Wikipedia.

The above fiction-writing advice is from a chapter in Jodie Renner's second writing guide, FIRE UP YOUR FICTION.

Tom Combs, best-selling novelist and former ER physician (and one of my author clients), is a master at making the world of his fictional ER both accessible and fascinating in his Drake Cody thrillers, which take place both in and out of the hospital. His fourth suspense-thriller, Insurrection, was just released on June 10, 2012.  All of the novels in the series are excellent examples of how to tell a riveting story by having fascinating characters and resisting the urge to explain too much and imparting necessary info through the characters, with attitude.

Jodie Renner is a freelance fiction editor and the award-winning author of three writing guides in her series An Editor’s Guide to Writing Compelling Fiction: FIRE UP YOUR FICTION, CAPTIVATE YOUR READERS, and WRITING A KILLER THRILLER, as well as two clickable time-saving e-resources, QUICK CLICKS: Spelling List and QUICK CLICKS: Word Usage. She has also organized and edited two anthologies. Website: https://www.jodierenner.com/, Facebook, Amazon Author Page.

INSURRECTION by Tom Combs

 Insurrection by Tom Combs

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Best-selling thriller author Tom Combs is about to release his fourth Drake Cody suspense-thriller. Here's the just-released description of the novel and interview of Tom in the June 2021 online magazine of the prestigious International Thriller Writers Organization, THE BIG THRILL (thebigthrill.org).

An explosion is triggered and a cloud of hydrofluoric acid envelops a popular Minnesota senator addressing a crowd at a demonstration noting completion of a controversial pipeline. ER physician Drake Cody, with paramedics, loads the senator into an ambulance amid the panic and desperately resuscitates the dying leader as they race for the level one trauma hospital.

Within minutes of arrival at Drake’s ER, the second part of the domestic terrorist group’s diabolical plan is executed with cold-blooded savagery as the extremist leader and his brutal militia kill several and lock down the ER.

Drake Cody, his ER workmates, the critically ill senator, and a handful of vulnerable patients are hostages as the terrorist leader informs all that he has planted weapons of mass destruction about the city. The terrorist uses the takeover and the resultant media frenzy as a platform to make his demands for ending what he sees as government-industrial tyranny.

Drake and his unarmed crew battle to survive and prevent widespread destruction while Minneapolis detective Aki Yamada and FBI special agent Dylan McGinnis lead the nation’s efforts from outside the ER as the terrorists threaten to launch devastation unmatched in US history. 

Tom Combs recently spent some time with The Big Thrill discussing his latest thriller, INSURRECTION:

Which took shape first: plot, character, or setting?

This is book #4 in the series, so my character(s) led the way, but the setting and plot joined in a fusion that made this story flow. Current events and the nature of emergency medicine/ERs as being inextricably a part of the trauma, conflict, and violence in our cities make my fictional events so completely credible they are a cause for concern.

Tom Combs

What was the biggest challenge this book presented? What about the biggest opportunity?

Balancing critical medical and technical info in a manner that does not bore mainstream readers, yet also stimulates and challenges nurses, doctors, and all those with medical knowledge.

The biggest challenge of every book is how to engage the reader not only intellectually but emotionally. Emotional engagement is my primary focus.

How does this book make a contribution to the genre?

Uniquely authentic content based on my experience and the truly incredible resources/friends who contribute (FBI agents, a state senator, homicide detective, EMS leadership, paramedics, nurses, and so many more…).

Without spoilers, are there any genre conventions you wanted to upend or challenge with this book?

Yes - I feel the domestic terrorist leader is a unique character. Complex and intelligent yet…

“It ticks all the right boxes for a thriller-great characters you really care about, three dimensional bad guys, twists, totally believable plot and setting, and time tension. One of the best things about the end is that it is completely unlike anything typical.”

What authors or books have influenced your career as a writer, and why?

So many! James Lee Burke, Nelson DeMille, and Michael Connelly.

What’s the one question you wish someone would ask you about this book, or your work in general? And, please answer the question too!

Q: What’s it like having your book be a runaway bestseller, loved by millions, and in the process of being made into a movie?

A: My answer - “Dream come true!” 

*****

Twenty-five years facing illness, trauma, and tragedy as an ER doctor on the front lines in busy, inner-city, level-one trauma centers provide Tom Combs’ background for his gripping stories. High-stakes, deadly conflict, and a flawed hero who is compelled to protect others are central to his books. Authentic emergency and critical care medicine, shared in non-technical language, fuel his emotionally engaging, suspense-packed fiction.

Tom consistently hooks up with foremost experts in law enforcement, law, business, and medicine to fuel his imagination while crafting credible tales of suspense, intrigue, and emotion. Tom lives on a lake in his beloved home-state of Minnesota with his artist wife, Michele.

To learn more about the author and his work, please visit his website.