I use Track Changes for my editing, but I thought that might be confusing for the readers, so I used comments in brackets within the document for this.
Here's the beginning, and a link to the rest:
Jodie Renner Critiques First Five Pages
Editor Jodie Renner returns to
critique another first five pages of a GFW Writer member's work-in-progress.
Jodie is a freelance editor specializing in thrillers, mysteries, romantic
suspense and other crime fiction, as well as YA and historical fiction. The
author of the piece below has graciously allowed us to post the critique, but
will remain anonymous.
“Who
the hell does he think he is?!!” Charlotte Bellagio brooded as
she considered the
hurt that filled her heart. [A bit of a
confusing beginning. Who is she mad at, and why? Also, can leave out “as she
considered the hurt that filled her heart” and leave it at
“brooded.”]
She
willed a smile to her face as she nodded at her
table companions [who is she sitting with?]
where they who had all gathered for this much anticipated
event. Most of her breakfast went untouched;, but if her
tablemates noticed her mood they didn’t acknowledge it. She kept her heart
hidden and the other guests didn’t pay much attention to her anyway. [Why not?]
Charlotte’s fellow convention guests were not aware of
[We’re in Charlotte’s point of view here and she
doesn’t really know if the others are aware of her feelings or not. Don’t jump
into other people’s heads – that’s called head-hopping] the tumult inside
her as they
waited for the TV show host to make his appearance. Even so she made an effort
to relax her shoulders and took a deep breath. [Too
many “as” phrases above and below (highlighted). Best to vary sentence
structure.]
“That’s good,” she thought as her muscles began to
relax. [What’s good? And why are her muscles relaxing
now? Best not to have her relax now as nothing has really happened to make her
relax, and it’s good to maintain tension. Tension and conflict are what drive
fiction forward and keep readers turning the
pages.]
To read the rest of this critique, click HERE.
.jpg)
Both are on sale at Amazon, and you don’t need to own a Kindle to buy and read Kindle e-books – you can download them to your PC, Mac, tablet or smartphone. Style that Sizzles will be out in paperback soon.
Jodie Renner is a freelance editor specializing in thrillers, romantic suspense, mysteries, and other crime fiction. Please check out Jodie’s website and blog, as well as her group blog, Crime Fiction Collective.
Jodie’s craft of fiction articles appear regularly on various blogs, and she has published two popular craft-of-fiction e-books in the series, An Editor’s Guide to Writing Compelling Fiction: Writing a Killer Thriller and Style that Sizzles and Pacing for Power.
.jpg)
Both are on sale at Amazon, and you don’t need to own a Kindle to buy and read Kindle e-books – you can download them to your PC, Mac, tablet or smartphone. Style that Sizzles will be out in paperback soon.
Wow Jodie, this is great stuff. I am a newbie editor with only four books under my belt (all non-fiction)and it's really great to see how other editors "do it." Any suggestions for breaking into fiction? It's my first love.
ReplyDeleteThanks for dropping by and commenting, Leslie. For breaking into fiction, I recommend to start, Randy Ingermanson and Peter Economy's Writing Fiction for Dummies. It's a great resource - not for dummies at all! After that, try James Scott Bell's Revision & Self-Editing. There are many great books out on writing fiction, so just do a search on Amazon and read the reviews. Also, it's a good idea to attend writers' workshops and conferences. Good luck with your foray into fiction writing!
ReplyDeleteHi Jodie, great post. I am sure I am going to learn loads of editing stuff from you :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Rachna! I think you'll enjoy my Style that Sizzles book! Keep on writing! :-)
ReplyDelete